*cop approaches me*
“have u seen this girl?”
*holds up photo*
“yeah I’ve seen her, NAKED”
*hi-5*
“haha but seriously shes in my trunk”
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Immediately de-escalating an international conflict by posting an angry looking selfie with the caption “Come on, guys.”
My whole life is like that 2 seconds before you sneeze
I just found out I have a half sister. It was the result of a magic trick gone really wrong.
We have also removed your mother’s number from contacts because obviously you’re too busy to call her.
“Hi, I’m Rob Thomas for the Organ Donor Association. Give me your heart, make it real or else forget about it.”
Made plans to exercise with a friend and now I have to go get in a car accident.
DATE: …so that’s how I ended up at Harvard Law!
ME: Sometimes I make a fruit salad in my mouth by biting into different kinds of fruit LOL
You meet the rock singer Meat Loaf while he’s out with his kids. He says, “These are my boys, Gravy, Mashed Potatoes, and Kyle.”
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
Misery: Hello there!
Company: I have a boyfriend…
My daughter’s coach described her attack approach as whimsical and gallop-y.
I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Here’s a bag of frozen peas for any swelling.
It’s hilarious when movies are like, “you will get training for 2 or 3 months and be the greatest fighter who has ever lived.”
When your girlfriend is PMS’ing, cheer her up by showing her that “totally weird” text you got from your ex last night.
if bowser kidnapped my wife, i wouldn’t ask for a background music, no matter how much fun i’d be having chasing turtles.
[looking at wife as firefighters cut me out of baby swing at playground]
It doesn’t say its specifically for babies, Karen
I’m in a long distance relationship. My girlfriend’s in the future.
A fun thing to do is comment “that ain’t the girl you were with at the bar the other night” on all my married friends Facebook family photos
what if you thought you had met your soul mate but then you saw them put mayonnaise on a hotdog
when the moon is out in the middle of the day it’s like oh no they called you in on your day off
[Post fight interview w/ boxer Joey “poor choice of words” Stevens]
Joey: “I just couldn’t get that guy to go down on me.”
If it’s in a bowl and it’s before lunch time then technically it’s cereal.
-5 asking for chips for breakfast
Nobody:
Me: “What if dinosaurs really just had that Kardashian vocal fry?”
When it’s ok to bother me before my morning coffee:
1- I’m on fire
2- You’re on fire
3- The coffee maker is on fire
4- Something had frickin’ well better be on fire
*watches wife take out ice cream
*watches wife scoop ice cream into bowl
*watches wife eat ice cream
Me: SO WHATCHA DOIN’
Eighty seven percent of single people are single because they don’t want to share their pizza with anyone.
Because I’m a loving wife I got my husband some chocolates for Valentine’s Day and because I’m his wife I ate all of them.
If god didn’t like sex, He wouldn’t make us scream His name when it’s really hot.
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
An alien abduction but it’s just my kid shining a flashlight in my face in the middle of the night asking if I’m awake.