a cute boy moved in next door and his bedroom window is across from mine, I hope this doesn’t turn into a coming of age film.
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I just read an Amazon review (not for one of my books) that said “it feels like the author was just making it up as they went along” and I can’t stop laughing. Like, dude, I hate to tell you this…
🎵If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my gourds🎵
~ The Pumpkin Spice Girls
TINDER SHOULD SHOW YOU WHAT AGE RANGE UR MATCHES ARE OPEN TO WHAT IF I MATCH WITH A GROWN MAN WHO HAS HIS PREFERENCES DOWN TO 18 HOLY SHIT NO BUENO
[shopping]
My Son: This chair will hold up to 300 pounds!
Me: Why did you look at me when you said that?
I’m into the “girl next door” type. Until the restraining order takes effect and I have to move.
Then I’m into the “cute, angry girl that’s always 50ft away from me” type.
People with house arrest ankle bracelets get so touchy when you compare them to a dog’s invisible fence.
When I would sit in the backseat of the car as a kid I used to imagine I was in a music video. Now when I sit in the backseat I imagine someone’s finally taking me to an asylum.
I started a book club. A coloring book club. There’s a line to get in. We’re never on the same page. Nothing’s black & white. We’re well red
Listen if we’re still single in 10 years do you wanna get hitched?
My cat:…
I expect 8 to defy me, but my wife telling him to “SWEEP THE LEG!” is uncalled for.
I would’ve worn my short shorts and my striped tube socks if I knew I was going to be walking around in sepia tone all day
Everyday is talk like a pirate day if you’re committed and annoying enough
Here in the South, we don’t consider a cookout successful unless there’s an ambulance involved.
Allow me to introduce you to the most ridiculous yet amazing thing you will see this week.
As a responsible parent, I gave my kids a healthy breakfast of strawberries w/ milk & a little sugar…
frozen.
OK IT WAS ICE CREAM!
FitFam?
By the time my 5yo is done with his dinner, it’ll be time to start applying to colleges.
don’t talk to me until I’ve had 3 iced coffees & argued with a lady about terriers & threw an iced coffee in her face
Me: You wrote a play?
Him: Well, I used a ghost writer.
Me (whispering): was it Shakespeare?
I wish I had the confidence of my mom explaining Instagram to her friend 5 minutes after I told her what Instagram was.
Sean Connery still has nightmares about the time he told a woman to sit on his face.
The best thing about eating healthy food is all the incredible food you eat an hour later because you’re so hungry…
Me: I found some sunglasses. Got any wallets?
Lost&Found: this isn’t an exchange
Me: *pulls sunglasses back*
LF: security!
Me: *runs*
My wife and I were happy for 24 years. Then we met.
Q: If everyone jumped off a cliff, would you?
A: I don’t know. If everyone used the same hypothetical question to demonstrate a point, would you?
CHILD: *breathes*
PERSON: You need to keep your child under control, they should be still, quiet, unhappy and oppressed like an adult at all times!PUPPY: *bites persons face off and pees on them*
PERSON: Don’t you dare apologize, he’s a puppy! He’s still learning!
SCIENTIST: it’s our thinnest toilet paper yet, sir. less than a picometer
CEO: *rips it by breathing on it* put it in every public restroom
My toxic trait is wanting things I can’t have, like sleep and lactose
Boss: what are you doing?!
Me: *hauling lighter fluid out of my trunk* You said we were having a fire sale
[Dinner Party]
ME: I’d like to raise a glass…
{years later…}
ME: Son, you’re adopted
GLASS: WHAT?!!