whenever i see a baby, i take its candy. i need the win more than the baby does.
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Me: GUESS WHO BOUGHT A MEGAPHONE?
Neighbour: Get out of my house!
Me: You’re not even guessing.
Welcome to homeschooling. Your house has 847 pencils in it, yet your child can never find one.
It’s not rude to hand visitors a timer when they show up, right??
Do ducks and geese ever sit in a circle and play “ape ape human”?
My ex is having a baby. Ummmm obsessed with me much? I used to be a baby…
I’ve watched this over 100 times and I still can’t figure out how he did this
I could survive 3 months in the wilderness with the contents of a woman’s purse and a pocket knife.
Hahahaha, no I’m not pregnant, I “eat for two” everyday. Enjoy your last summer on Earth, neighbor, you have made a vengeful enemy.
The worst thing about turning up at the ER drunk at 4am is explaining to the nurse that my 9 year old drove here.
Yoda, seeing himself in 4K:
HDMI
Wolverine: You know what I can’t heal?
Jean: What Logan?
Wolverine: A broken heart*professor x starts laughing from the other room*
I finally figured out why the neighbor’s house is always so clean:
My kids don’t live there.
the revolution will not be YOU HAVE REACHED YOUR LIMIT OF 3 FREE ARTICLES THIS MONTH PLEASE SUBSCRIBE TO READ MORE
Welcome to parenting. Here is your collection of markers that have run out of ink, which you will inexplicably hold onto for a minimum of 2 years.
You say potato, I say get the hell out of my bathroom
If you play a game with your wife where you pick one person you’d be allowed to sleep with choose a celebrity and not “Liz from Accounting.”
What’s with these people who take a sip of their coffee as soon as they get it? Who are these iron-mouthed warriors?
[doctor looking at my xrays]
doctor: this is exactly what i was afraid of
me: what
doctor: skeletons
Squid really does seem like the perfect name for that thing
6y/o: “Mom, can I brush your hair?”
Me: “Well, you don’t really brush curly hair, but…that’s fine.”
6y/o, after spending 40 minutes brushing my hair: *puts the hood of my sweatshirt over my hair* “That’s better. Just keep that on.”
I didn’t set my clocks back. I’m writing this from one hour in your future. We have jet packs.
Oh, man. My grandma caught me texting my OTHER grandma and now things are super tense.
I’ve spent the six years trying to learn Braille via hospital elevators. So far, I know elevator.
You learn early in life not to play around in your mom’s purse. Especially things that look like a little can of silly string.
The mace stays in your lungs and eyes for life.
BOUNCER: I’m sorry miss, you are too drunk to come in.
ME: [lifting shirt] initiate Care Bear Stare!
BOUNCER: Oh, my mistake
ME: [smiling proudly]
BOUNCER: I’m sorry SIR, you are too drunk to come in.
My very religious-minded FB friend posted that she and her daughter were going to Netflix and chill today. I don’t have the heart to tell her.
I confused the words “tinker” and “tinkle” and my neighbor no longer wants help with her computer.
I have made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I’ve never made a bad sandwich. From now on I will make no more decisions only sandwiches.
Ducks probably think platypuses are duck werewolves.