Imagine any 5 white people walking up to you being like “we’re imagine dragons” . You have no choice but to believe them.
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“White Purr!” – Ku Klux Kat
Me: Something is fishy here
Red herring: *acts very casual
[reading message i found in a bottle that drifted onto the beach]
to myself: “updog.. what’s updog?”
[another bottle hits my foot]
4yo: *shoots me with gun*
*stuffs gun in my pocket*
*runs away*
Me: *Realizes he just made it look like a suicide*
*keeping an eye on him*
Who knows what my boss meant when he said I had a lackadaisical attitude but truthfully I don’t care and I’m not interested in finding out.
While I was driving, my 4-year-old threw a shoe and honked the car horn and has officially outdone my husband as the worst back seat driver.
Hello Butterball Hotline? My turkey meows when I try to stuff it in the oven. What? Are you sure? Huh. HONEY THAT’S A CAT. TAKE IT OUT.
Me after watching a horror movie! 🤣🤣
POV: you compliment me and I don’t know how to act.
Why don’t ants get sick?
Because they have antybodies
If you hold your ear up to the seashell at my house, you can hear my wife yelling at me for peeing in the ocean.
Was just up a ladder *very obviously* mending the roof when a man ambled over, stood at the bottom and eventually called up ‘Mending the roof are ye?’
Got to reply ‘Aye, once I’ve finished unblocking this sink.’ Never felt more powerful. I am majestic. I could grow antlers.
2 Beers = 1 Tweet
5 Beers = 3 Tweets
9 Beers = 7 Tweets
12 Beers = 12 Tweets
24 Teers = 30 Beets
I write vampire jokes but they never see the light of day.
If you’re wondering if toddlers are always listening, even though they’re never listening, 2B’s teacher stopped me today to let me know that instead of “thank you” she’s been saying “thanks, babe” for days.
How you can tell a writer has no siblings:
“Hey, little bro / little sis.“
How you can tell a writer has siblings:
“Hey, loser. Mom called.”
If I see you wearing those toe shoes, I will call the police and give them your description every time a crime is reported on the news.
If there’s anything Urban Dictionary has taught me it’s that I shouldn’t be so curious at times.
“Barista” is Italian for BA in liberal arts.
Fun fact: the person who said “If you love something let it go” died alone, surrounded by 342 cats.
My wife and I couldn’t agree about whether or not I’m her hero. She’s in the bathroom right now and I’ve hid the toilet paper. We’re about to resolve this.
“Well maybe they shouldn’t make soap out of animal fat if they didn’t want people to eat it!” I yell from the emergency room, mouth foaming
ME [during sex]: Ugh I love you so much babe
HER: Mmmmmm I love you too sexy
PRIEST: The kiss was all we needed
I’d buy a lot more exercise pants if they were called eating pants.
Emails are always signed like, “thanks” or, “best regards”
I’m going to sign mine, “you’ll live to regret this”
if you went to a thousand costume parties you would never see anything greater than this
I was with my friend when he got pulled over and he said “just be cool” as if after a lifetime of trying I would suddenly figure it out then
hoping nobody noticed you peed in the pool like
I find that honking the horn is an effective way to tell another driver, “You’re not going to believe this but you are driving a car right now”