The world would be a better place if we all got along like the “Price Is Right” audience.
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Kenny told me if he had a time machine he’d go back to 1955 and sleep with Marilyn Monroe as if time was the only thing preventing this from ever happening.
I do NOT have a drinking problem. I use a straw so technically it’s a “sipping” problem.
I’d use my best pan on you.
when im having a bad day i remember a time i walked into a public bathroom&turned the lights on&heard a guy in the last stall say”thank god”
I called someone persnickety today. He looked so taken aback. Some people can’t handle that kind of hip vibe & powerful sensuality I guess.
i once had a doctor named doctor. dr. doctor. doc doc, for short. who i introduced to my ball-player friend, richard michael gossage. “doc doc, goose,” i said. folks,,
This green smoothie tastes like God wants me to be fat.
Usually I have to go faster than 30 for that to happen
Every toddler is a budding artist when you give them a peanut butter & jelly sandwich.
Santa- “ho ho ho, Mer-“
Me- “tf did you just call me?”
Why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
I dunno when it stopped, but I’m kinda pissed that no one celebrates and gives me a sticker when I shit anymore
My husband got barbecue sauce on my mom’s favorite white tablecloth. For five whole minutes I wasn’t the biggest disappointment in her life.
Quit my job a few years ago because my boss was an idiot. Now I’m self-employed. My boss is still an idiot.
john wicks are toilet candles
WIFE: *filing for divorce*
ME: Are you mad at me?
> what do you want to be when you grow up?
[7 year old me watching Jurassic Park] a UNIX hacker!
*fast forward 28 years*
> So you’re still fixing printers then?
[zombie apocalypse]
GUY: It’s not safe here let’s head north.
ME: No, let’s go down to the sewers.
GUY: What’s in the sewers?
ME: [thinking about ninja turtles] Protection.
If you marry someone a few years older, one thing they love is when any classic rock song comes on and you ask “Is this Led Zeppelin?”
i enjoy video games because they let me live out my wildest fantasies, like being assigned a task and then completing that task
ME: thanks for “showing me the ropes” lol
SAILING INSTRUCTOR: you’re not even making a joke sailing is literally where that comes from
I remember Daddy told me fairy tales can come true so any time an old lady offers me an apple or cookie I kill her and bury her in the woods
A fun way to get exercise is grab a chainsaw and chase a hiker.
The terminator figures out where John Connor is but he can’t do anything about it because he’s on 3% and can’t find a charger.
The afternoons I spent on my hair.
Franz Kafka, 1912.
Not to jinx this, but last time there was a highly anticipated London wedding on TV, the groom said Rachel’s name instead.
translated into Canadian
*bursts into English convention*
GRAB ALL THE STUFF YOU CAME WITH THE BUILDING’S ON FIRE
*crickets*
Christ. THE STUFF WITH WHICH YOU CAME
When attempting to make a good first impression imagine how important good grammar is. Wrong. Importanter.
Women shouldn’t work outside the home. It’s STEVE Jobs, not EVE Jobs.