My psychiatrist is mad at me, told him I could hear people but couldn’t see them…he said when does this happen…I said over the phone
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I ordered Chinese food last night. My fortune cookie said “LOL” and I’ve never agreed with one more.
Planning to edit the three Hobbit movies into one watchable movie. Should I use Instagram or Vine?
You scream “SWEEP THE LEG!” one time and all of a sudden you’re “invited” to watch your kid’s wrestling match from the parking lot.
Friday The 13th is only a horror movie if you care about teenagers.
My husband is blaming the cat for eating all the cookies and putting the empty package back in the cabinet. Ffs馃檧
My wife gave me her Christmas list. I said, “isn’t my undying love & affection enough?”
We laughed and laughed. Now I’m at the purse store
I don’t know who needs to hear this but women don’t really wear flowery see-through dresses to ride horses in real life.
Her: You like shopping?
Me: Oh god yes!
Her: What’s your favorite place?
Me: The grocery store. There is a whole aisle of just cheese!
Kid 1: *crying bc sunscreen is in his eye*
Kid 2: *crying bc she has sand in her hair*
Kid 3: *crying bc flies are biting her*
Me: Alright, kids, I think it鈥檚 time we leave the beach.
Also kids: ALREADY?!?
Guinea pigs aren’t real pets. You buy them when your kids are begging for a dog, but you want to make them sad instead.
Twitter is a lot like kindergarten; there’s yelling, giggling, struggling with basic reading comprehension…and everyone is super excited to show you their toys.
[speed dating]
DATE: ding
ME: did u just make the ding sound with ur mouth
DATE: no
ME: we have 4 minutes left
DATE: *louder this time* ding
My son gave me the ultimate Mother鈥檚 Day gift: he just brought out all of the cups & dishes from his room & filled the kitchen sink.
I鈥檓 so blessed.
*tree falls in the forest*
*tree pretends to start jogging so it doesn’t look like an idiot*
[takes a drag from a cigarette] Her middle name was Danger. Her first name was Danger. Her last name was Danger. Her parents were stupid.
STAYCATION DAY 1:
Filled the birdbath with Nescaf茅 just to see the startled look on those vagrant House Finches.
I’m a social vegan, I don’t like meet.
Vegetarians and vegans
are admirable ……but cannibals are the real humanitarians.
me: is there anything i can do about my dry skin
dermatologist: aloe
me: hi is there anything i can do about my dry skin
Before & after 馃槄
They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch, but I’m at Applebee’s & have a dead mouse in my pocket that says otherwise.
So let me get this right. The guys on big bang theory are super smart scientific nerds, yet their elevator is broken?!
Forgot to tie my bikini top back before I stood up from sunbathing on the beach. Now I know how to get help carrying my chairs to the car.
Edward Scissorhands: best 2 out of 3
Dwayne Johnson:
Working at McDonald’s at 16 taught me I didn’t want to work at McDonald’s at 17.
I don’t wanna get too political here, but I plan on voting for whichever candidate will do something about Meghan Trainor.
I just “shaved “both my legs with the little plastic cap still on the razor and didn’t notice until I was “finished” with the second leg.
I just scraped shaving cream off my legs like ice off a windshield.
therapist: what are you afraid of?
me: nothing
therapist: yes, the void. it will swallow us all
Ever since I had my fingerprints taken for employment, I often sit at my desk gazing off in the distance, reflecting over the opportunity of an exciting life of crime lost by accepting this job.
Dad Hack: get your teen鈥檚 attention instantly by pre-heating the oven.