I can’t lose this last 20 pounds so I’m just telling everyone that I’m pregnant now.
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Them: be yourself
Me: do you have any better advice
I’m so jealous that I did not write this pun!!
Your stomach probably thinks all potatoes are mashed
[millennial children kindergarten roll call]
Teacher: Nancy?
Nancy: here
Nanci: here
Nancee: here
Pnancy: Here
Gnancy: here
I’d just like to share that the Farsi word for ostrich is “shotormorgh” (شترمرغ) which literally translates to “camel-chicken”, and no offense to English, but I think we got this one right.
Pharaohs were buried with their hands crossed over their chest because of the belief there would be countless water slides in the after life.
KID: I’m a brat!
WILLY WONKA: I am going to have you murdered.
[Interview with a time traveller]
“What’s life like in the year 3000?”It’s pretty much the same as 2015 but you can download a towel
I was trying to help my 4yo with his socks and he told me “I got it old man” so yea you can fit a whole lot of audacity into a 4yo.
Brewmaster: Get out of there at once!
(Me, splashing giddily in vat): IT’S OK I’M WEARING UNDIES
It’s not officially bedtime until you drop your phone on your face.
The elephant is my spirit animal.
1. we never forget
2. we hate the circus
3. we’re scared of mice
4. we’re Disney characters
5. we’re awkward in rooms
Bicyclists, it’s one thing to hog the road, but it’s quite another to expect us to know your fancy hand signals. Also, I can see your balls.
My mother’s relationship with waitstaff assumes that the menu is an enemy code they’ll decrypt together.
Jimmy Fallon always looks like he’s waiting for you to open a gift he’s convinced you’ll absolutely love.
Children are so giving. For example, my kids gave me a cold.
I attended a beautiful wedding today for my 8yo’s toy lizard. If Ronald and Liz can find each other, there’s hope for us all.
The acute panic of my child going to hunt for batteries in my bedroom.
Son: Can you teach me about fractions? Me: Sure. I love 2/3 of my children.
Mondays aren’t too bad if you remember one thing: Use short bursts —flamethrowers don’t hold much fuel.
Before we were married, my wife was like a tiger in the bedroom.
Now she’s more like a possum.
She plays dead whenever a snake approaches.
My kids, writing negative political ads:
Mommy. She says Maybe but it is always going to be No.
Mommy. She says to eat fruit but she smells of chocolate.
Mommy. She says we don’t say those words but then she watches the news and she says all of them.
Me: I hate being quarantine alone. I wish I lived with someone.
Mom: take your father, he’s driving me insane
Me: I’m good
The average person swallows over 4,000 spiders each year. More than that. Tens of thousands. Hundreds of thousands of spiders. It’s crazy.
I don’t know why movies bother to use fake blood when our bodies are absolutely filled with their own renewable supply
The problem with honey is that I could be in a hazmat suit watching a show about someone in Australia just looking at a jar of it and it would still wind up all over me.
Heroes and Herpes are just one tiny letter different, and other things I find out when I’m not wearing my glasses.
Leaving the grocery store: Shoot. I forgot to get bread.
Leaving Costco: Shoot. I forgot to get bread. And a gazebo.
found a twenty in my purse then channeled jesus and turned it into wine at the nearest liquor store.