15: I smell upsexy.
Me: What the hell is upsexy?
15: Not much. What’s up with you?
You Might Also Like
Why do Swedish warships have bar codes on the sides?
So that when they return to port, they can Scandinavian.
What idiot called it celiac disease when they could have gone with gluten for punishment?
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for dishwasher safe Tupperware kids
three old people next to me at this coffee shop hanging out and catching up. one of them says “your daughter is doing well? has her ducks all in a row?” and the other says “welllll there’s a few geese in there” and all three of them laughed until they cried. gasping for air.
*sniffs glue
glue: I have a boyfriend
Dear animals who hide from humans, I get it.
In lieu of working today i’m gonna commit crimes
“Mounting debt” sounds way sexier than it is.
i’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that omg this branch definitely can’t hold my weight and yep i’m going down
Dr: Your Mom is like regular moms except we lost her in surgery.
Me: Did you just use a joke format to tell me my mom died
Dr: yep
It’s funny how your tweets are funnier now that I know you’re hot.
-everyone on Twitter
When you’re running late, don’t tell your kids you’re running late cause they won’t move any faster and they’ll say fun things like, “I’m fine being late”.
So, when she said she wanted a ‘fairy-tale’ romance, she didn’t actually want me to eat her grandma or lock her in a tower?
Dating is hard.
ER Doc: you know you could have avoided these 3rd degree burns by walking away from the explosion at regular speed
Me: did it look cool tho
Her: Even if I was trapped on a desert island with you, I still wouldn’t have sex with you.
Me: You’re thinking about sex in that situation? What is wrong with you? WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO FOR FOOD, BRENDA?
high difficulty level escape room concept: u are laying in bed and u have one hour to get out of bed
You guys remember back before Google when we would just sit around and wonder about shit ….?
No baby, I’m not dumping you. I’m just rebranding myself as your ex.
I just asked the kid working at McDonald’s if the shamrock shakes were made with fresh shamrocks. He went to ask the manager. 😳
Told my coworker I want a dragon. He said I’m crazy for wanting anything that might set all my shit on fire but he’s the one that’s married.
OnlyAcquaintances: you pay me $5 a month so i can message you “hey lets get coffee soon!” and we never get coffee
Did you know Lysol kills 99.9% of germs & my toothpaste has tartar control? You would too if you sat in my bathroom without your phone.
I’ll be the first to admit when I’m wrong, I mean, I’ll be kicking and screaming the whole time, but I’ll do it.
Me: Hi, the names Pete. What’s yours?
Engelbert Humperdinck: Engelbert Humperdinck
Me: Fine, don’t tell me.
I should invent a fake kid to give myself more things to tweet about. Oh, you’ll never guess what Jayden did today! He sneaked out of preschool, stole a school bus, and drove to Atlantic City. Lost almost two grand on a craps game. He is such a little handful!
Note to self:
Used VHS tapes do not make good emergency gifts, always go with stuff from the freezer.
Sorry I didn’t make mashed potatoes. The potato masher was stopping me from opening the drawer.
I had a dream about you. You were stupid there, too.
*drops off box to Salvation Army*
“Sir, why is this box marked W I F E?”
*peels out*
Thank you, true crime show, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn’t stop that murder.