PHARMACIST : Take this medication with food.
ME : Relax, buddy. I take everything with food.
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me: [robbing a bank] ok everybody hands in the air
everyone: [puts hands up]
me: [already mad with power] one hop this time
HIM: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Wait, just how long is this interview?
I hate crumbs, so I eat my snacks in bed on his side.
If we’re together and you lose track of me, just follow the line of croissant crumbs right on back.
And you may be thinking, “But Katie, you weren’t even eating a croissant when I lost you…”
Trust me.
Last week my husband made a delicious chocolate mousse. Today he confessed that it was made with tofu. I’m doubtful our marriage can survive such deceit.
[commercial for toilets]
°a man is walking around his house picking up turds°
There’s got to be a better way
Dr. to my 9 yr old son: So you’ll pee in this cup…
*9 starts giggling
Dr.:
9: We’re not allowed to say ‘pee.’
Me,rubbing my temples: We say ‘tinkle.’
Dr: E-
Me: YES EVEN THE ADULTS
One of the lights in my bathroom is out. I look at least ten years younger.
I want you to rub my belly but I’m going to roll over juuust out of reach
– my dog begging
I just had the biggest bowel movement of my life then turned around and the toilet was empty. Needless to say I completely lost my shit
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breast milk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
Jeez make one joke about putting cyanide in someone’s food and suddenly they don’t want you to cook for them anymore
“I’m having a public meltdown!!” – A Snowman, maybe.
true crime documentaries are like “he was a good man except to his spouse, children, coworkers, and victims”
Almost done with my screenplay about the end of the world, and only cats survive.
I call it “Apocalypse Meow”.
[ER]
HIPSTER: I fell off my acoustic motorcycle & broke my mustache twirler.
DOC:…
H: I fell off my bike & broke my hand.
D: Rub kale on it.
The best way to get a job is to hold the other person’s hand through the interview. If you don’t get hired, no worries. You made a friend.
I don’t have an insurance policy on myself because there’s no sense in tempting my wife more than she already is.
Boss: Let’s be frank.
Me: Dibs on “Sinatra.”
dentist: when did you last floss?
me: just last week
dentist: you know i went to school for this, right? i can see that’s not true
me: sorry, i meant yesterday
dentist: what?
me: i mean i’m flossing right now
dentist:
me: ow my gums, they hurt exactly the normal amount
Once a teacher said nobody was buying my cool guy act but he dropped his clipboard and there was a drawing of me in sunglasses on it.
Honey, your skirt is so short that your STD is showing.
Killer with knife to my throat: it’s ironic how you’re about to die in your living room.
Me: actually, that’s not really what ironic means.
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are sitting in a doctor’s waiting room, when a man in an obviously worried state enters and cries out, “I fear I’ve become invisible… Can you see me?”
And they respond; “Yes.” “Oui.” “Sí.” “Ja.”
I saw Jesus trending and my heart dropped. My first thought was ‘damn you 2016!’ but then i realized it was just his birthday.
i often counter someone’s dream story with my own very, extremely true story about how i sprained my ankle in the 7th grade while sprinting away in absolute fear from a girl who asked me my name
*throws dash of glitter in with the credit card bill* payback, baby
I’ve been told I can be a bit condescending. That means I talk down to people.
gonna have me one of them sexy closed-casket funerals, leave somethin to the imagination
ME: Who’s a good boy?
MY DOG: What have you heard?