I smelled alcohol and got all excited then realized it was only hand sanitizer.
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Why are karate people always breaking boards? Did boards kill their parents?
Women just want to make us better men, not drain our life essence. And sharks are just trying to kiss us but their teeth get in the way.
Mickey Mouse’s pants out of context look like something that would try to kill Mario.
therapist: would some music help you feel more centered?
me: no thanks, I’m self-centered
therapist: again, that’s why we’re here
You don’t scare me, you are not the contact lens that is lost inside of my eye.
Them: Just act casual
Me:
My husband was so excited to finally have a kid that shared his love for baseball until the bottom of the 8th when she loudly asked “is this baseball or football?”
I read a news article about a guy who bought a golden egg for $13k that turned out to be a Faberge egg worth $33 mil. Those kinds of lucky stories would never happen to me. There will never be a news story that says “Man finds lost Rembrandt painting inside bag of Doritos”.
Overheard my 11 y/o daughter record her voicemail greeting: “Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. When you hear the beep, hang up and send me a text.” This generation gets it.
This seems like a really, really bad idea.
*jumps in with both feet*
[The First Halloween: October 31, 17 A.D.]
KID: I’m hungry
DAD: Go ask the neighbour for food
ME: The plane has wifi? Sweet, I’m going to Skype call that radio psychic.
RADIO PSYCHIC: Go ahead caller, you’re on the air
ME: HOLY SHIT
Nancy Drew and the mystery of the seven minute stroller nap delaying bedtime by two hours
Today I quit drinking wine for good.
Now I only drink for evil.
But why do gorillas even need so many adhesive products?
Modded the new Gran Turismo
I want a car horn that shouts obscenities.
[first karate lesson]
Me: *entering dojo* BONSAI!!!
Sensei: Do you mean ‘Banzai’?
Me: *just starts chucking little trees at Sensei*
I can’t believe I used to talk to people.
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
99 times out of ten, I’m making shit up.
medium: so you want to contact your wife
wife: *muffled* open the door
me: sometimes I can still hear her voice
wife: *through the window* I forgot my keys
me: it’s like she’s here watching over me
They should fill the airbags with confetti to make car accidents more fun.
*crashes vehicle*
“OMG, my legs! Hey, a party!”
*dies smiling*
girls don’t like boys who are punctual..
once this girl dumped me because i came early
Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.They put me in the ICU.
judas: i would never betray jesus he’s the best
jesus: my favorite movie is the Minions Movie
judas: i am going to betray the son of God
I just ran into my high school bully and it was great cause I’m doing well and he’s 17 which is very old for a dog
Show me your nuts.
Show me you’re nuts.See how important the “you’re” “your” thing is?
doctor: I’d like to give you something to help your anxiety
me: whose side are you on?