I asked my wife to share her queen sized blanket to which she replied she was a queen and therefore the blanket was already at max capacity
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If you need to rush somewhere, carry a fire extinguisher. Nobody will stop a person running with a fire extinguisher.
I’m really scared society will collapse soon and there won’t be any more Doritos.
Ruffles? Oh you mean the corduroy chips?
Awesome parenting 😂
I like to stand by the side of the motorway holding a sign that says “If you were me, you’d be here now.”
HER: I love how we always finish each other’s
HIM:
HER:
HIM:
HER: Marriages
Imagine your relief if you had a dream your daughter was dating a DJ then woke up & remembered she was dating a ferris wheel operator.
please tell me the Barbie movie ends with Barbie and Ken walking away from a massive pink explosion in slow motion and Ken says “come on, Barbie, let’s go party”
A “cup of Joe” has a completely different meaning at the sperm bank
Him: I think you’re my soul mate.
Me: I’m so SO sorry for you.
My dog is really picky on where she poops. For instance, she will only choose a lawn where the homeowner is outside to make eye contact with me.
Does anyone else picture a person actually “squatting” in a house when someone says there’s “squatters” there? or is that just me?
I recorded my husband snoring and then played it back to hear it and he rolled over and said, “TURN THAT DOWN I’M TRYING TO SLEEP!”
my mother is taking me to see the monday matinee showing of the barbie movie as a mother should.
bully: gimme ur sandwich
me [pulls knife]
bully: hey man I don’t want any-
me: -crusts. i know
Contractor: Here’s your estimate for replacement windows.
Me [looking at estimate]: how much to just board them all up
[becomes allergic to the floor midway through a date & slowly floats out of a window]
A British person, unable to stand upright due to the gust, leaves and twigs smashing into their head, with eyebrows blown clean from their face and sore eyes watering with tears quickly whipped away by the gale, is unable to resist uttering:
“Bit windy”
Whenever I’m feeling down on a Sunday night, I unblock my mom on Facebook as a reminder that shit could be worse.
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
Bringing Egg Nog to Thanksgiving just for the evil glares.
I’m all for legalizing pot, but for fucks sake oral sex is still illegal in 18 states. Let’s prioritize, people!
“Look guys! No hands!”
-captain of the Titanic
I like in RPGs when you kill a wild animal and it has, like, $5 and a spoon on it for some reason
Wait. Those Nigerian girls are still missing??
What about that really cool hashtag we made?
They didn’t free them when they saw it??
Me: Is this something a crazy person would wear?
My mom: Well, crazy people can wear whatever they want, so…
Whoever keeps replacing soccer balls with cats is my personal hero
whenever i see that someone somewhere has spent a bunch of time making or designing or building something i think about how crazy it is that they never thought to check in with me, the guy with no skills or expertise who spent 10 seconds looking at a tweet about it
Am I…are we… is this a date? *elevator opens & he leaves*
Wife: Did you eat an ENTIRE half-gallon of ice cream?!?!
Me: It was getting freezer-burned.
W: I just bought it today!
Me: Crazy freezer.