Congratulations to everyone who woke up with all of their fingers and toes.
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[at parent-teacher night]
Teacher:*looking at my coffee tumbler*
I see you’re a coffee enthusiast, tooMe: Coffee? Oh…yeah, coffee*wink*
Either this rapid COVID test is defective or I didn’t pee on it long enough.
*teacher sees students sharing a note*
Teacher: why don’t you read that out loud
Student: [reading note] Dear teacher, this is an intervention. Your methods of discipline via public humiliation are uninspired carbon copies of Hollywood tropes. We wrote this letter as a class…
I’m starting to think some of these Marvel movies might be made up.
Take it easy, Officer. You act like you’ve never seen a woman with a car full of penguins before.
If you’re out shopping today I’m a size Nordstrom gift card
I don’t like to say “bless you” when someone sneezes because I don’t know if they’re religious or not. So instead I just say “I hope you never do that again”
I was going to pay $100/hour to see a psychic, but fortunately I found a huge bag of fortune cookies for $18.50 instead.
Take me down to Vatican City where the church loves greed and the Pope’s all quitty!
– Nuns N’ Moses
(I’m so sorry)
Genie: *rubbing temples* you could have just asked for $300 in one wish
My dog is really picky on where she poops. For instance, she will only choose a lawn where the homeowner is outside to make eye contact with me.
I wish I knew how to spell the crinkle sound a chip bag makes because that would be my future dog’s name.
I really admire my daughter’s restraint. When we were reunited after a week apart she waited 5 whole minutes before asking what I brought her
Just because your kid says, “You’re my hero” does not mean you can pick them up at school wearing a cape, apparently
Me, performing surgery:[stops midway and sticks both of my hands out to see which one is L-shaped for “left” ]
Learn from your failures. For example, I will never eat Cheetos immediately before a job interview again.
It’s Tuesday already? Time to sacrifice another intern to X’sel, Demon Lord of Accounts Receivable. Bless my spreadsheets, oh dark one!
is there a place where we can lay down and eat cheese?
-first day at work, orientation question
Me: You have two options. You can do as you’re told, OR spend time alone in your room.
3: I’m adding another option!
Me: *
*totally unprepared for toddler negotiating skills.
Cop: Why were you speeding?
Me: SHE’S IN LABOR!
Cop: That’s a beach ball in a wig.
Me:
Cop:
Me: I don’t think I’m the father.
Cop: Get out.
5: Dad, can you get me pasta?
Me: Ah, we don’t have any.
5: That’s ok, you can make some, I don’t mind waiting.
you’d think eating your young was more filling.
Eight out of ten married people agree that on your wedding day it’s bad luck to say “i Do.”
that’s exactly what a van without puppies would say
The most unbelievable song lyric of all-time is a woman saying “it’s raining men” and another woman following-up with “hallelujah!”
Prison Guard: *evil laugh* I’m going to do a cavity search.
Me, who has never had a cavity because I brush regularly: I look forward to it!
Me (being caught in bed with an optical illusion): it’s not what it looks like.
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because I cheated on you
wife: wha- no it’s because you keep bringing around your friend Mike who says ‘uh oh spaghetti-os’ when bad things happen
the closet: uh oh spaghetti-os
I told all my colleagues at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
FRED & DAPHNE: *pull the mask off old man jenkins*
JENKINS: gosh darnit if not for you meddling kids I would have survived the pandemic