Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
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[Spelling Bee]
-Your word is ‘leniency’
-Can you use it in a sentence?
-*gets law degree*
*works in law*
*becomes judge*
*fines robber £1*
A girl at the bar just did a tequila shot and didn’t make a face. We’re getting married
I’m dressing for the weather I desperately want, not the weather I currently have.
“I want the box where I poop to smell like my poop or else I won’t want to poop there. Whoa whoa, not THAT much like my poop! Jesus!” – cats
Insomnia is just your brain’s way of telling you it’s secretly a squirrel with ADHD.
So grateful for pillows. My head works hard, it deserves its own widdle bed.
I was just talking about how stupid it is that we don’t use the metric system like the rest of the world! 😂😂
TIP: As you walk down a trail, use a stick to make first contact with spiderwebs. You can also use your face. Do what feels right.
Prince: it’s taking an awfully long time to let down that hair
Curly-haired Rapunzel: (struggling with a straightening iron) be PATIENT
That was your first time water skiing?
“Yeah”
I’ve never seen anyone that good. Incredible.
“Thanks”
What’s your name anyway
*Jesus winks*
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions
I found stir fry all over my bed this morning.
I must’ve been sleep wokking again.
Wrong Way Do Not Enter seems like a weird name for a street.
TSA agent: Please remove all footwear
[moments later]
TSA agent: Not mine, sir
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
REASONS TO KEEP A WRITER IN YOUR HOME
• they know weird facts
• they’re low maintenance because all they do is eat and write
• great for midnight chats because they don’t sleep
• if they have to edit they’ll procrastinate by cleaning your whole house
day 9 in quarantine: On my way to working from home
i’m torn between getting my own personal jesus or getting a large jesus to share with the whole table
[at the vets]
ME: I think my chicken is refusing to lay eggs to spite me
VET: Your chicken is a cock
ME: Tell me about it
I got my first real 6-string
Bought it at the 5 & dime
Played it til my fingers bled
Mom sued the guitar manufacturer & settled out of court
BOSS: I suspect one of you wrongly uses nouns as verbs.
Everyone turns around and stairs at me.
Sorry I panicked and told your kids that Santa is able to visit every house in one night because he does meth.
‘We’ll give you something to complain about.’
~pharmaceutical ads
I feel like Indiana Jones every time I go looking for keys in my purse.
And when I looked back, there were no footprints in the sand at all. What kind of beach are you running here?
Winter sex: “Let’s do this”. *slowly takes off all three pairs of rugby socks, wipes nose, continues to take off more socks*
I thought I felt a spider crawling on my neck.
Now I have to pretend I was breakdancing at this bank.
My kid, describing the size of the raindrop that “hurt” his face
Fall semester: kid leaves for college for the first time, how will I live without you?
Spring Break: HOW DID I EVER LIVE WITH YOU?
8 asked if he could draw my face and was super proud of the result.
Unrelated, he now lives with a neighbour.