People be like “You knew what you were signing up for when you had kids” as if we had any idea we’d have to homeschool them through a global pandemic
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One day you’re young and eating hot wings, the next day you have a favorite flavor of Tums.
You never realize how many people you hate until you try to name a child.
[first day as a scientist]
Scientist: you have a budget of $1.3m
*2 weeks later*
Scientist: we need a progress update
Me [has blown the budget on an army of genetically engineered dog size giraffes]: wind is basically air in a hurry
I’m home alone for the first time in 45 years and I’m only 39
It’s nice when my kitchen smells extra clean cause I used an entire bottle of Clorox to kill one ant.
is the plural of judas judasses or judi
Me: I just really want to kick this habit
Therapist: You want to kick nuns?
Me: No, it’s just an expression meaning I can’t escape my addiction
Theraprist: Oh, what are you addicted to?
Me: punching nuns
Me: I’m an atheist. Nothing is on purpose. Nihilism 4eva
Also me: *sees my birthday numbers anywhere* this is a sign.
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
I trained my dog to shake for a treat and now he works the room like the groom at his reception.
Donald Trump says he’ll open up secret 9/11 files. Miley Cyrus says she’ll flee the country if Trump is elected. Connect the dots, people.
Dear axe body spray,
Could you Please put a suggested spray size on your deodorant bottles.
Best regards,
Asphyxiated girls everywhere.
ARE YOU A MAN OR A MOUSE?
“Haha a man obviously”
*Detective places cheese on table*
*suspect starts to sweat*
Imagine me with poor grammar. Wrong. Worser.
My electric kettle got broken so I had to make tea using my acoustic kettle.
I texted my wife “Hey” and she texted back “It’s on the dresser.”
*sits down in a classy as hell bar*
“barkeep! a bottle of your finest champagne please. I earn…”
*lowers shades*
“$200 every 4 months”
It’s no coincidence that those really terrifying scenes in horror movies often use children’s voices
[Entering a dark forest]
“Listen. That’s the banshee wailing. One of us may not make it home alive.”
“Keening.”
“What?”
“Banshees keen.”
“You go first.”
“Dammit.”
[uncovering pottery shards on an archaeological dig] Wow, people sure were clumsy a long time ago.
*sees locks of hair on floor*
*looks at daughter*
*looks at American Girl doll*
“Oh, thank God, you cut your own hair”
i’m all for human rights and shit, but if you’re on a tour in a factory and decide to wander off, it should be legal for the floor workers to hunt you for sport
*wakes up at the crack of Dawn*
*instantly regrets drunk dialing Dawn last night*
Met a guy from Iraq today who grew a full beard as I was meeting him.
A great way to end small talk is by saying “you’re not real, you’re not real.”
[joyriding in stolen Lamborghini]
HER: No way this thing does 150.
ME: Only one way to find out…
[pulls over & checks wikipedia]
6-year-old: Did you know an octopus has 9 brains?
Me: I did not know that.
6-year-old: That’s because you only have 1 brain.
*skinny dips into black hole
Gen Z: I hate my boss
Millennial: me too but instead of posting it on social media I slowly let the air out of his tires like a well adjusted grown up