I made a ton of jokes about swine flu, but then I got swine flu. And as they rushed me to the hospital, I honestly thought I was going to die. So I used what little energy I had left to send this final text to a friend: “Make sure they serve pork at my funeral.”
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If you want your dog to take a pill:
1. Get a piece of cheese
2. Eat the cheese for energy
3. Get ready to wrestle your dog
[first day at prestigious culinary school]
“I don’t see this on the syllabus, but when do we cover French regional microwave cuisine?”
I talk a lot of shit for someone who often searches for their phone when I’m watching something on it.
I forgot to pack my perfume, but happened upon some air freshener. Judging by the compliments I’ve gotten, I’m wearing Air Wick from now on.
I tried using that face app which makes people look old, and apparently it’s called a mirror.
I knew joining a gym was a bad idea when I got there and needed help pulling the door open.
Reached the age where I have to do like 150 healthy things every day just so it doesn’t hurt when I burp.
What the hell was that?” my dog angrily demanded as we left the vet’s office.
“What?” I asked.
“That thing you did with the guy.”
“What, shaking his hand?”
“Yes shaking his hand. I thought that was our thing.”
Saying wash your hands
-Mundane
-May go unheard
-Have to beg my kids to do itRequesting the cleansing your portable sandwich fabricators
-Interesting
-An adventure
-Have to beg my kids to do it
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for me
Peach Farmer: sure
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for free
Peach Farmer: well just hold on now
My lady bits are ready to be fertilized now….
Flirting is easy!
A new study says eating sugar will kill you and was conducted by the No Shit Sherlock Research Institute.
when my wife is giving birth then the baby pops out and steals the hotdog i’m eating
Over 7,000 people have reviewed celery
[pulling sword out of stone] now I am the rightful king of all England [sword keeps coming out] what the hell [colored handkerchiefs fly from the stone] oh no it’s as I’ve feared [clowns around me take a knee]
If PRETTY WOMAN starred WILLEM DAFOE.
Jesus H. Christ.
me, to shovel salesman: [at a shovel store] how’s this do with like dirt & stuff?
shovel salesman: i’m not gonna bullshit you it’s pretty good
Me: <throws caution to the wind>
Also Me: <panics and gathers up as many pieces of caution as possible before they scatter>
I would never raise a hand to my children, but I do occasionally gift them an exploding cigar to evidence displeasure.
well, Sam. It’s been a helluva day. A helluva day! Hit me, again.
Thank you to all the people who tweet landscape pictures so we don’t forget what it looks like outside
Me: Open your mouth, and close your eyes, and get ready for a big surprise.
5yo: Yum! A chocolate chip!
Me: Haha you just ate poison.
5yo: Quick. Give me the antelope!
“Cool.” was my spouse’s text reply to me getting our Pearl Jam tickets today.
So anyway, after I bury the body in the back yard, I have an extra ticket if someone wants to go.
Our junk drawer is so big, it starts at the front door and goes all the way to the back.
a person who understands others’ feelings but ignores them is an empathole
If you don’t walk sideways chanting ‘crab people’ when holding tongs, we can’t be friends.
You’re not a mistake.
Mistakes can be fixed.You’re hopeless.
Dog: [sound asleep, eyes rolled back in head, legs twitching from dream]
Me: [momentarily thinks about peanut butter]
Dog: [waiting in kitchen with spoon]
Apparently, this is how the world ends.
All great love* stories** start with 2 people meeting.
Murder* documentaries**