When I’m behind a slow car I steer my car a little to the right so the people behind me can see it isn’t my fault.
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FRIEND: [over the phone] Do you think the quarantine has changed you?
ME: [knitting a dress for the raccoons in my backyard] No
Remember when maths teachers said “you won’t have a calculator on you all the time when you’re older” well guess what, I do and I keep it in my pocket right next to my phone
My parents couldn’t understand how my wife could divorce me.
Until I moved back in with them.
Fashion designers:
What do you want?Women: uniform sizing across brands.
Fashion designers:
Bwahahaha!
The 2024 federal budget promises billions of dollars in new spending. Aw, that’s so sweet, they’re gonna do a single grocery run for us!
[football game]
*ref throws flag*
Ref: *zebra noises*
Players: What?
Coaches: What?
Fans: What?
Zebra at home: *nodding* Good call good call
My boyfriend said we can’t hang out this weekend because he doesn’t exist.
Who wants to pump my gas? This is not sexual.
Meow?
What’s the past tense of “wake & bake”?
“Woke and boke”?
“Awake and baked”?
“Awakened and baconed”?Whatever it is, I’m that
I call bullshit on red wine reducing fat. If there was any truth to that, I’d resemble a crack addict.
*Bruno Mars on the radio*
Wife: Would you catch a grenade for me?
Brain: Just say, YES!
Me: Has the pin been pulled?
Brain: Idiot!
My book group read “Ventriloquism for Dummies” this month. We met in the living room, but it sounded like we were in the kitchen.
Social Media and Real life
Mafia boss: “I want him swimming with the fishes!”
*later at the coral reef*
Me: “This is amazing!”
Mafia boss: “Anything for you.”
talking to animals doesn’t make you crazy, hearing them talk back does
I feel as though most of my problems would not exist if I had just worked harder on that crane thing from Karate Kid
Recently in Miami, I was so excited to see my wife and 8YO on the jet ski, for the first time. I screamed, shouted and kept waving at them. When they came back, I realized I was cheering a wrong family the whole time
[adoption agency]
Caseworker: Think you’re prepared to be a father?
*I perfectly execute the detachable thumb trick*
CW (taking notes): Excellent.
Goodnight moon.
Goodnight room.
Goodnight sanctimonious people arguing on the internet
Fitbits are just Tamagotchi except the stupid animal ur trying to keep alive is u
Hear me out…
A leaf blower, but for people.
CW: How was your weekend?
*finds nearest object*
“Hello?”CW: Are you talking to a stapler?
“I’m sorry, I have to take this.”
Sports bra is so tight my cleavage starts at my chin
me: sorry I called out my ex’s name just now
woman: three times though?
bloody mary: ew, am I on the ceiling
Just a thought. Why do trees get naked come Fall? They’re so careless too, just leaving their clothes everywhere
An obese old man who breaks into your house at night? A tiny flying woman who buys your dead teeth? It’s a wonder children can sleep at all.
My new phone is being delivered by Amazon which means that I can track its movements for a day before it tracks mine for five years.
My kids, when I tell them, “Stop trying to talk over one another. If you each want to tell me something, tell me one at a time, so I can understand you.”
Plants: We should trick people into taking us inside and watering us
Plants once we bring them inside: Oh no