I better fix the hinge on this cabinet door before Ryan Gosling comes over, takes his shirt off and builds my lady a house.
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i wonder if fewer people would eat Rabbit Stew if it was instead called Bunny Rabbit Stew.
therapist: what’s on your mind
me: why would a bull be in a china shop to begin with
using AI to expand this shot in Fast & Furious 6 and achieve the filmmakers true vision 😌🙏
Show me someone who doesn’t talk back to the TV and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t watch sports or the news.
If being bad at grammar is a crime than arrest me.
If the final episode of Game of Thrones doesn’t feature a group hug with everyone singing “Kumbaya,” then I don’t know what I’m talking about.
I had a terrible dream that monsters came out from under the bed at night and ate up all the pecan pie. I woke up screaming MY PIE
*wakes at 3am*
*sits in dark*
*jingles chains & scratches walls*
*waits for everyone to be so creeped out they can’t sleep & we open gifts*
The Chinese New Year is almost here. I know they’re in another time zone, but 2 months behind seems a little extreme.
Told my boss at work I had three companies looking at me and asked for a raise, so of course out of curiosity she asked me which three companies.
Managing to keep a straight face I told her Gas, Water, and Electric.
REJECTED MARVEL CHARACTERS:
Thorothy
Captain Caillou
Aunt Man
Backfat
Iron Jan
Thanus
Got kicked off the cruise ship after three day of constantly saying “poop deck” & snickering.
I buy my shoes three sizes too big so if I run into a clown posse I’ll have automatic street cred.
A thick layer of mayonnaise on all your furniture will remove water rings from wood and unwanted guests from your house.
Pro tip: The Labor Day weekend is a great time to start drafting your Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas tweets.
Angel: welcome to heaven
Me: holy shit
Angel: ooh you swore get out
Devil: welcome to hell
Me: holy shit
Devil: ugh u said holy get out
By the end of shelter at home, my house will be spotless. Oh sure, I’ll be drunk and confused, but so will the germs.
Grow up never but we old may grow we
If snails are so slow, how come nobody sees them coming? It’s always like bam, there’s a snail
Twitter is like swimming in the ocean. Sometimes, it a beautiful sight. Occasionally, you find others like you. And you have no idea how many times you’ve passed a shark.
My husband purchased a world map and then gave me a dart and said, “Throw this and wherever it lands—that’s where I’m taking you when this pandemic ends.”
Turns out, we’re spending two weeks behind the fridge.
It’s amazing how many people can hit pine trees and drive with them still hanging on their car roofs. Like nothing happened.
It’s almost as if the kids at this campsite don’t get how funny it is that I bust in their tent at 4am wearing a clown suit & holding an ax.
I accidentally caught my nuts in a barbed wire fence and now I’m the frontman of a Maroon 5 cover band.
A study was just published that shark attacks happen most often in water. Now I have to worry about the ones that occur elsewhere.
If you don’t smile and show everyone your teeth when you’re eating Oreos then you’re probably more mature than me.
You should just be thankful for all the things I don’t say.
If pain is fear leaving the body, what gets the stupid out?
I cleaned the cabinet windows and now you can see how untidy it is inside.
The closest thing I’ve had to a personal trainer is the ice cream truck that drove past my house.