I should have known my son was stealing from his road construction job, but every time I came home I guess I just ignored all the signs.
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There are many different theories about why humans even need to sleep but I’m pretty sure it’s to charge our phones.
I wear Lacoste shirts with the little crocodile on them because when shit goes down I want crocodiles to know that I’m on their side.
*Girl comes out in a slinky dress*
ME: Ooh that looks like fun
*I push her down the stairs*
Honestly I bet the inventor of the cannon would be relieved to know that they’re mostly about t-shirts now.
My girlfriend asked if she killed someone would I help her dispose of the body and I said no and she said, “You wouldn’t lie to the cops to keep me out of prison??” And I had misunderstood the question because I’d be happy to lie to the cops I just didn’t want to carry stuff.
AIR STEWARDESS [looks at ticket] just down that way
ME: You mean down the long thin tube with one walkway
A.S: Yes
ME: I’d be lost without u
If I’m so smart, explain to me why I can start the washing machine then five minutes later wonder where that running water sound is coming from.
Accidentally cut an old cat-5 cable and now the basement is flooded with internet.
When a woman asks you to smell something, it usually smells good.
Men on the other hand…
The ending of platonic relationships is way harder because it’s someone looking at your personality alone and being like no thanks
Me: I feel like I’m wearing this bathing suit wrong
Store clerk: Thats a dream catcher
Listen. You’ve been saying this for the last eight and a half months. I still don’t know what you’re “expecting”
Sean Connery still has nightmares about the time he told a woman to sit on his face.
who called it carrying your cell phone in your front pocket instead of hot signals in your area
At a kids’ birthday party. With my kid.
He abandoned me and I don’t know how to talk to the parents
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
date: this is so romantic
me: just the two of us
date: and the stars
me: and the moon
the moon: *winks at my date*
me: *narrowing eyes* son of a-
Wildebeest: 5 cheetahs on the horizon sir
Wildebeest Sergeant: How many men do we have?
Wildebeest: 4,000
Wildebeest Sergeant: RETREAT!
What kind of bears don’t have teeth? Gummi bears. 😉
“I promise to defend you from a zombie apocalypse or alien invasion, but if it’s a werewolf attack, it’s every man for himself.”
“The bride has also written her own vows.”
“VROOM VROOM! VROOM VROOM VROOM! SCREECH!” – Entire script for Fast and the Furious 6
I feel bad for photons that travel 93 million miles from the sun and then have to bounce off your stupid face.
Good advice.
-Honey, what made you fall in love with me?
-Your mother.
-But my mother lives 5000 miles away.
-That’s why…
With the right person, there is no such thing as inappropriate behavior.
“I do not negotiate with little kids”
My husband, right before he broke down and gave the kid what he wanted
The most valuable breed of cow are the Cash
Happy Halloween 🎃
My favorite position in bed is getting off it for pizza
yesterday at the mall a woman asked for my opinion between two men’s shirts and immediately went to check out with the one i didn’t choose