me: how do i tell my wife i want a divorce?
wife: not like this
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trust me bro, no woman has ever looked at your tinder profile and gone “i wish he was holding me like he’s holding that fish”
Friend: Why do you smell like bleach?
Me: I dribbled Sprite down my cleavage and I used a Clorox wipe to get it out.
Sexy huh?Mr. Clean: oooo baby yes
[creation]
GOD: You will each have a flaw
BAT: I am blind
SNAKE: I am deaf
DOG: My breath is a little bad
Cooks you a gourmet meal almost every night.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship
“What if Waldo finds me first?” I ask naively. Grandma closes the book; the blood drains from her face. “Don’t let that happen,” she warns.
Am I having a stroke?
Ruin someone’s day by asking to see their tattoo then saying “is it supposed to be crooked?”
[ground control to major tom] so like, what time is it in space right now?
A surprise Hunger Games competition for everyone who makes eye contact with me today in the office.
Walmart never delivered my grocery order but they gave me a $10 credit so I will give each of my thanksgiving guests a dollar in lieu of a meal. All is well.
[Wife comes home to find me with 6 dogs recreating the fountain scene from Friends]
Me: I can explain
Dog: Woof!
Me: Chandler shut up!
Kids love retelling stories about times they threw up
My toddler appears to know a magic spell to transform any space into a Hoarders episode.
God: take the worst of his personality.
Angel: okay.
God: then take the worst of her personality.
Angel: got it.
God: now mix them all together.
Angel: what do you want to call this mess?
God: call it a kid.
People who tell you to get your kids to help don’t understand how kids work
Interviewer: describe yourself
Me: Me? Personally, I’m a personable person
Sometimes I accidentally hit “z” instead of “.” and end up sending texts like “see you laterz” like I’m a cool teen from 2003.
At grandma’s. Which means this morning I woke up at 8:45am and was still greeted with, “Look who’s finally up. We thought you were dead!”
8: [looking at a picture list of US presidents]. Why are they all SO OLD?
14: because you have to be old to be the president. Like, 40 and older.
me, 40: what in the shit did you just say?
*locks my car while looking suspiciously at a little old white lady*
I’m a dirty bird.
*shits on your windshield*
Mother, may I invite the aliens over for dinner?
“We run a tight ship” barked the captain, his shoulders barely getting thru the doorway “Real tight.”
he turns sideways to fit down the hall
If I wash a load of dishes everyday all of my dishes stay clean
If I skip one day I have 7000000000 loads of dishes the next day.
How?
Top 5 things to ditch in 2017
5. Debt
4. People you don’t like
3. Facebook
2. Drama
1. The bodies
I put my pants on like everybody else: in constant fear that my button will surrender to the intense pressure it’s under.
If it’s unimportant, I’ll remember it.
Wife: Have you considered therapy?
Me: I’m glad you think so highly of my opinions, but I already have a career
Wife: *stabs me
When I’m mad at my husband, I ask him to help me find my phone and then put it in my pocket on silent.