Ever pick a booger so big that you get it out and suddenly it’s like you’re on top of a mountain, inhaling the world’s largest and most refreshing breath of air that ever was breathed?
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*enters contest*
Contest: “Wrong hole.”
My dog just puked on the floor.
5yo: MOMMY, LOOK!
Me: Eeeww!
5yo: We are just gonna have to move now!I like the way this kid thinks!
Room service: Would you like your glass of wine before din…Me:(interrupting) YES.
I promised my kids a genuine New Year’s party: I’ll be putting on my biggest earrings and nicest sweat pants standing on a chair in the kitchen and dropping a ball on their heads
If you’re unsure if you’re pregnant or not that’s called a maby
searching for people who think cologne is spelled colon is my favorite thing to do
Saw sign in yoga store: Do One Thing A Day That Scares You. So today I start raping coyotes.
They say the cheetah is the fastest land animal, but nobody has ever clocked a parent whose child called for a plunger from within the bathroom.
FRIEND: Women want guys who take charge
ME: ok
[later]
WAITER: [to date] Ready to-
ME: [shoves waiter and grabs notepad] Ready to order?
Best way to get picked up at a gym is fall off a machine.
Commercials for prescription drugs would be better if the actors had to act out the side effects too.
I keep trying to lose this last 180 pounds but he refuses to leave.
The Fast and the Furious.
– Me, not eating after 6:00 pm for my morning blood work 😠.
Well I gave my middle son a haircut and long story short it is a darn good thing he’s stuck at home
a swear jar, but for using the word “nuanced”.
Son: What’s dehydrated milk?
Wife: It’s milk without water. Basically a white powder.
Me: Moocaine
Wife: Why are you like this?
If I lived in England I would approach my boss on payday and say “pound me.”
FBI BOSS: We’ve finally found you a new partner. So what do you say when you meet him?
ME: Nice to meet you.
BOSS: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Let’s turn this FBI onto an FB Us.
My wife and I have to put drops in the cat’s eye before we go to work. Just in case you see a headline like “Couple mauled to death by two pound kitten” tomorrow
Of course I don’t have any skeletons in my closet
I know how to dissolve bones I’m not an amateur
A 17-year-old can win a gold medal at the Olympics, but I don’t have enough energy to go to the grocery store and the post office on the same day.
Rethinking this whole Mastodon thing
“Yeah, and she’s not breathing. Should I call someone?”
“Yes!”
“Hello! Yes, hello Pizza Hut, she’s not breathing.”
My boss just criticized me, saying that my writing is almost unintelligible and unbecoming a professional, but I don’t think it’s portmantotally malapropriate.
So my 5 year old’s stuffed owl and his stuffed mouse are best friends, and I don’t know how to break the news to him…
I triple waxed for this?
when I was 15 I wore bath and body works pear spray and this guy I met at a retreat badgered me about what the scent was b/c it smelled like his girlfriend & she claimed that “some of us just smell that way” so I told him yeah some of us do. I hope wherever she is now she’s good
The key to doing well at wordle is to think Britishly
When my boss is mad and takes it out on me, I do less work.
Can’t reward bad behavior with a positive response.
Training works both ways