When I eat spaghetti I always check both ends of the noodle so I don’t accidentally kiss a dog.
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if you push your belly button and nose at the same time your brain takes a screenshot
I always wonder if dogs secretly hate playing fetch. If they’re like “these idiot humans keep losing their sticks & it’s up to me to go find them”
I have 1 calorie left for the day on MyFitnessPal app. I think I’ll eat this fruit fly that’s been annoying me.
[Court]
Me: My tweets go through a rigorous review process
Judge: Are they reviewed by other idiots?
M: *lips on mic* irrelevant, your honor
very niche meme I made
what could possibly go wrong?
[commercial for boiling water]
*enemies at castle wall are splashed with cool refreshing water*
castle guard: there must be a better way!
one time on mushrooms i decided i should be living off nuts & seeds like a little squirrel, so I went to Whole Foods and blew my whole paycheck on nuts & seeds. then all week I had no money and DID have to live off nuts & seeds, and let me tell you I WAS SO WRONG. it sucked
The funniest thing about being sober is someday finding out that you were the mayor of Toronto.
My dog is expecting a treat for bravely protecting us from the oven timer.
Me singing a couple lines of a song: Alexa find this for me
Alexa: playing video
“Top 10 Creepiest Animal Sounds”
Scarecrow: why aren’t u scared of me?
Batman: why would…wait. do u think I’m a crow?
SC: ur not a crow?
BM: *hurt* No *quietly* I’m a bat
My 5 year old thinks that there’s a monster under his bed so I assured him that it won’t get him as long as he stays in bed until 8AM.
“Why are people so willing to believe unscientific nonsense?” ask the editors of newspapers that publish horoscopes.
And by noon on the 7th day, God said these kids need some iPads.
Any party is an ugly sweater party if you’re ugly and you sweat a lot
No thanks hot air balloons. I prefer to fly in 75 ton metal tubes as God and the Wright brothers intended.
mm/dd/yyyy is a cursed date format
“Today, my son asked “Can I have a book mark?” and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.”
Sorry I wrote “All dogs matter” on your “I ❤️ my Weimaraner” bumper sticker.
Sorry I put aviator sunglasses on the baby Jesus in your nativity scene and started singing highway to the manger zone.
I hate when I can’t remember if my wife and I are in love or fighting. So, I’m like a minesweeper in the mornings.
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
I always regret making a good first impression because there is no way I can keep that shit up.
Every chair is a reclining chair when you’re drunk.
Yet another unrealistic beauty standard smh
My 2 year old asked me for potato and kept getting mad at me when I gave her potatoes to eat.
It took a good 20 minute meltdown before I figured out that she calls play-doh potato.
Learning a new language has been hard for both of us.
Christmas movie tip. If you watch Die Hard straight after Love Actually, Alan Rickman will be punished for what he did to Emma Thompson.
*sees window washer in a harness outside office high rise*
*holds up sign from desk*
YOU’RE NOT EVEN FLYING EVERYONE CAN SEE THE STRINGS