SOMEBODY: she had a boyfriend who looked like that girlfriend that you had in february of last year
ME: what the hell are you talking about
You Might Also Like
I’ve lost count of how many times in the past week I looked at my inbox and said, “How the hell did I get on this mailing list?” And “What could the CEO of Spanx possibly have to tell me about the coronavirus?”
I don’t know, my pockets are always stuffed full of things I need.
I’m not scared I’ll end up in an asylum after a breakdown. I’m scared someone will record it on their phone and I’ll end up on a GIF.
Cinderella is my favorite story of a guy who couldn’t remember what the love of his life looked like.
You guys ever see a mannequin and think she’s completely out of your league?
I’m at the age where I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous
(in starbucks) “i’ll take 450 lattes”
“thats $2,380”
(card declined) “DAMMIT just one then”
My 22 yr old was listening to Baby Shark yesterday and the song is still stuck in my head. So I get it, moms of toddlers, I really doo doo, doo doo doo doo.
How to get a girl to like you:
1. Become a lion tamer
2. Release a lion on her
3. Tame it right before it kills her
4. Take her to Chili’s?
I’m still in disbelief that 9/11 coincidentally happened on September 11 (9/11)
Interviewer: your resume says you’re very literal
Me: my resume talks??
“What do you mean “He used his mind?”
“I mean he never touched the gates. He destroyed them with his mind!”
“Oh my god…we’ve got a mad telekinetic duck on our hands. Get me the president!”
A bold strategy
Day 4: I’ve finally completed all my New Year’s resolutions from ’97.
My dog is never excited if I’m the first one down the stairs in the morning. It’s all just panic and accusations.
“Oh no, where’s Mommy? Is Mommy gone? What have you done with Mommy?”
I used to hate flying. I thought the plane would go down. But now I just bring my wife with me on the plane because my wife never goes down.
Going to pronounce fecal like decal
Ugh I can’t stand him. I’m not gonna go into it but let me just say this…
[40 min later]
…and you should see the way he ties his shoes, I hope he dies
ARUGULA is my favorite vegetable whose name sounds like a car horn from the 50’s.
Don’t worry guys. I’ve got a scented candle and THREE healing crystals. I’ll have Twitter fixed up by noon tomorrow
kid: let’s go to disneyland
dad: fair enough
kid: no, disneyland
me: I love the feel of fresh, crisp sheets against my naked body
clerk: ma’am, this is a Bed Bath & Beyond. please put your clothes on and leave
My husband says our family will never get a pet but yesterday I walked in on him baby talking the roomba.
At this point the angel on my shoulder just mutters “You’ll regret it,” then slowly sips whiskey.
Pro tip: when you’re on your way home, don’t answer your phone.
Someone wants you to stop at the store.
It’s almost bikini season! Do I need a licence or can I just shoot them as I see them?
So apparently not every chubby guy with a mustache is named Mario. My bad, dad.
Those are good neighbors.
Dear whatever doesn’t kill me. I’m strong enough now. Thanks.
HER: help I’m drowning!
ME: what’s the magic word?
HER: *gurgling* PLEASE![Later]
ME: *quietly to coroner* it was abracadabra