Me, passing on the wisdom of my ancestors to my kids: It’s “righty tighty, lefty loosey.”
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If anyone asks, we met at a bible study.
I can claim not to have a best-loved child but one of my kids just said his first favorite thing is cleaning and his second favorite is reading so you know I am lying if I deny it
Pro tip:
Win every food fight by throwing heavy, dense frozen items.
[commercial for IKEA]
Are you easily frustrated? Want to find out?
You can’t force me to watch your ads. YouTube. I will look away and plug my ears
Friend: I heard you survived a heart attack
Me: Yeah. I owe my life to the big man upstairs
Fat Larry: *shouting from upstairs* You’re welcome
My boyfriend doesn’t believe in putting his clothes away so I decided to stop believing in doing the dishes.
Sing it!
I bought a blender to make some healthy smoothies. Long story short I make the best margaritas now.
I beg your pardon?
“My safe word was Worcestershire.”
— A ghost
I made a joke about how sweet it is that twenty men I don’t know dm me to ask me how I’m doing and this old dude commented “only 20? Out of 33k?” And like damn that hurt. The rest of you 32,980 better pony up or this old dude is gonna know I’m not sexy 😭
I am in the battle of my life with tangled macrame and I may not make it. If a spider finds me, I’m screwed.
Me (on a tinder date): you look nothing like your avi
Chameleon: hold on.
Therapist: *holding up a stack of cards* look at these ink blots and tell me the first thing that pops into your head.
Squid: danger, predator, escape, fear of death, danger, my mother-in-law, danger.
Therapist: still on the first card.
Ginny Weasley: so like what are we?
Harry Potter: [slowly reaches for invisibility cloak]
My ex-wife got all the coffee when we split up. It was grounds for divorce.
Well, look who I ran into at the liquor store. First I thought he was shopping so didn’t wanna bother him, but then I saw the shirt and thought “wait a minute, he works here?!”
Turns out, he’s the owner. A quiet life away from the glitz & glam. May we all learn a thing or two 🙌
wife: “what on earth are you doing?”
me: “making a penguin”
wife: “that’s a pigeon”
me: [opening freezer door] “not for long”
I went into accounting because there is strength in numbers.
A car pool is an extravagant waste of water.
Best way to get a girl to come home with you is to tell her you own 3 lava lamps seriously what girl wouldn’t want to see 3 lava lamps
Amazon Review Guide
⭐☆☆☆☆ – I’m angry and taking my slight inconvenience out on you
⭐⭐☆☆☆ – Your product is crap
⭐⭐⭐☆☆ – Average
⭐⭐⭐⭐☆ – Great product!
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ – Average but I feel bad leaving a lower rating
The nice thing about putting a bowl of ice in front of a fan while you sleep is that you wake up to a finger bath to clean yourself up after all the rotisserie chicken you sleep eat.
I spend a lot of time trying to prevent the people who know something weird about me from ever meeting and exchanging information.
Trojans: oh cool guys it’s that giant horse we ordered off Amazon
Greek soldiers: [quietly] lmao
Tech Twitter in a nutshell 😂😂😂
[first day as a ghost]
BOSS: ur job is to scare people
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *whispering to millennials* you’ll never pay off ur student loans
I remember when the History Channel actually played MUSIC!
Everyone’s AVI – Sorry. This is the absolute best I can look. I’m actually suspended upside down in this shot and I rented a wind machine.