Guy sitting next to me on the airplane is eating his sandwich like a starved hyena and chunks of food keep landing on my leg….What’s the proper etiquette for this? I eat it right?!
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Insomnia: Hi
Me: Hi
I: Hope I’m disturbing you
M: You are
I: You know what we could do?
M: Let me sleep?
I: HA, no, let’s think about hippos
A North Carolina school has removed its bathroom mirrors to stop kids from making TikToks. Ooh, you were so close, they actually do them with their phones.
How quickly family vacations go from omg we only have 4 days left to omg we still have 4 days left
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a veterinarian
Me: thank you for your service
Date: veterinarian not veteran
Me: ok but still
“Playing soccer in the cold builds character, son!” I yelled…
…from inside my warm car, because it’s COLD & I already have character.
Me making new accounts to get the free first month subscription:
My wife just said that Twilight is better than The Lost Boys. I don’t think there’s a jury in the world that would convict me.
Got down on my knees and clenched the panties with my teeth, gently pulling them to her toes.
Not allowed near mannequins anymore
Who called him Spider-Man and not Netflix?
Me: Things are going well. *knocks on wood*
5-year-old: Who’s there?
Me: It’s not a knock knock joke.
5: It’s not a knock knock joke who?
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
#oldknees
“…until death do us part” okee sure, death of what tho?
Ladies time to start dating the older dudes
They can get you in the grocery store earlier
Every single headline could read: “Idiots Continue To Do Stuff”
“Thanks for coming. We’ll let you know.”
*stands up, trips, headbutts interviewer*
This video (reduced to a 17 second gif) created by British psychological professor Richard Wiseman demonstrates the power of perspective in creating illusions. It’s titled, “Assumptions”
Why is fried chicken the only food we can buy by the bucket?
I like that all the Ikea instructions illustrations always assume I have a friend.
Due to inflation they will now be known as Maroon 6, Sum 47 and 103 Degrees, respectively
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
*singing* Got a feeling 22 is gonna be a good year
“Israeli scientists train goldfish to steer car”
Big fan of taking a huge bite and then nodding while i chew. you make an excellent point, food.
[High Stakes Poker]
Dealer: Are you in or are you out?
Schrödinger’s Cat: [For the 20th time]
BOTH
[Player flips table]
Are you questioning my vocabulary skills, pal? Cause you are gonna get punched right in the plethora
Knees weak arms are heavy he has osteoporosis already, he’s only twenty.
Me: Get the tires rotated?? Don’t they rotate enough while the car is moving?
Mechanic: Omg you’re right! What a scam. I truly apologize.
She has the grace of a puncture wound and the charm of a tetanus shot.
If you ever see me ironing and smiling, know that I have been body snatched like one of those Stepford wives.
“May you have a long happy life together and never be killed by blunt force trauma caused by your spouse to collect insurance money.”
– Me, giving a wedding toast I did not properly prepare to give because I spent all my preparation time watching true crime shows