After eating this cereal for 30 years I am still neither lucky nor charming.
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Put me in your bio so I know it’s real… Just kidding, I’d rather be in your will.
I’ve been married for seven years and when we visit my mother-in-law she still types her wifi password in for me rather than share it.
I can count the people I trust on my middle finger.
i don’t give a shit what you losers think i’m clapping when the plane lands
Nothing makes me feel more beautiful than when the woman waxing my eyebrows asks if I want my moustache done too.
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your phone.
Whenever my girlfriend and I share a meal, I let her have the first bite because I’m a gentleman.
Also, to see if it’s been poisoned.
Just bought Colgate mouthwash ’cause it builds stronger gums and someday my gums might have to lift a car off a baby.
ME: I’ll have the steak
WAITER: with pleasure
ME: um no, with steak sauce
Nobody in this grocery store thinks I’m a good bowler. Also, clean up in aisle four.
Me: don’t you love it when you find $20 in a jacket pocket?
Guy [wearing a jacket that used to have $20 in it]: *distant yelling* hey get back here
I’m in that magical stage of parenting where I don’t need to change diapers or carry baby gear but I also don’t have to deal with teenage problems yet and my kids still think I’m smart and funny…how do I stay here???
my wife preps for bed with a routine of reading, aromatherapy & no screen time
i prep for bed by only sleeping 3 hours the night before
Since it’s hunting season, we are allowed to shoot the cars with the antlers on them, right?
People always go, “Why can’t there ever be peace in the Middle East?”
We can’t even get FIVE DENTISTS to agree on a toothpaste. That’s why.
If we can land on Mars then we can figure out how to get someone else to go to the bathroom for me I’m not discussing this further
[while listening to halloween sounds cd I bought] spooky huh [friend on road trip with me] yeah but got anythin else its like a 6 hour drive
[Couples therapy]
WIFE: I hate the way he pronounces “food” like “feud”.
THERAPIST: And you, sir?
ME: She’s always in a bad mude.
This household only uses the finest of cat hair on its sandwiches.
Relax, folks. The dentist apologized for killing #CecilTheLion after he found out Cecil was famous. He meant to murder a NON-famous lion.
This morning I woke up with the thought “I wish there was a way for me to create vegetables at home…”
And so I jammed out on that idea for a while until I realized I had just invented farming.
You sit there and think about what you’ve done
-Me, leaving dishes in the sink to soak overnight
FRIEND: Where were you?
ME: I got sick and had to rush to the doctor
FRIEND: Flu?
ME: Nah, just drove really fast
A microwave with three only buttons.
1. Hot Pocket
2. Pizza Rolls
3. 4 Hot Pockets and 60 Pizza Rolls
[pet store]
COP: someone’s been stealing puppies
OWNER: OMG now I’m missing another one
ME: who would do such a thing *shirt starts barking*
I still wear a mask because I no longer remember how to control my facial expressions in public.
yeah i have a drinking problem. it’s called dehydration
Me: “Am I pretty?”
3-year-old daughter: “Boys aren’t pretty. They’re handsome.”
Me: “Am I handsome?”
3-year-old: “No.”