Went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and I only spent $9,000.00
You Might Also Like
Her: I love it when we finish each other’s
Him: pancakes
I have faith in unanswered prayers, unless I am stepping on the scale.
Sorry I lied about knowing how to play the piano. What’s that? Yes, I agree it made the funeral uncomfortable.
I use the phrase “when I win the lottery” a lot for someone who never buys any lottery tickets.
No matter how many shocking surprises life throws at you, you’re never quite prepared to hear a British person pronounce the word “vitamin”
Choose a job that you love, and your boss will never have to work a day in their life.
When a guy asks me for pics, I send pics of Margaret Thatcher.
My browser asks “are you sure?” when I clear my history as if theres anyone more sure of what theyre doing than someone clearing his history
When you think about it, Jesus really accomplished a lot in the four months between Christmas and Easter.
IDEA: an app that tells you where that bruise came from.
Just a reminder that Jingle Bells makes it sound like some grand adventure but a one-horse open sleigh is literally the cheapest sleigh you can get.
INTERVIEWER: Would you like a donut?
ME: *takes three*
I: Um, ok, what’s your greatest strength?
ME: [grabbing two more donuts] Self-control
Girlfriend: YOU NEED TO MOVE ON
Me (sliding Blockbuster card back into my wallet): I’m trying…
To kill a French vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.
Some of you ladies must go through an astonishing amount of laundry considering how wet you always are
Johnny Depp would have made an excellent Catwoman.
I don’t throw gang signs. I’m Scottish. I throw bricks 🙂
Me: I’d kill for your body.
Female trainer: Actually, with consistent exercise and clean eating…
Me: No that sounds hard I’d rather do murder
[someone attempts to speak to me]
ME: *to self, but at a completely audible volume* okay, remember your training
me: I just don’t know what you see in me
X-ray tech: twelve ice cream sandwiches. Still in their foil wrappers
There was a sign at work that said, “NO MICROWAVING FISH” which is crazy because I can’t think of anything cuter than a teeny tiny fish waving
Every kiss begins with ‘K’ I whisper quietly to myself as I read his one letter response to my last 7 text messages.
You say lobotomy like it’s a bad thing.
My neighbor is a real douche & always cheating on his wife, so I changed my wifi to KARL IS CHEATING ON YOU AMY for when she needs my wifi.
My son keeps texting me for tax advice. He’s known for 24 yrs that I have a THEATRE DEGREE. I only act like I file my taxes.
Tell a woman she has cute kids and she’s all proud.
Whisper it to her and she calls the cops.
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
You see a rat stealing pizza, I see a rat providing for his four turtle children
I’ve just completed a cohort study that confirms people can go longer without sex if they have an adequate supply of chocolate and peanut butter
I call it my Reese’s Thesis
Me: *does activity with the kids*
Kids: mummy this is so boring can we watch tvHusband: *does same activity with the kids the next day*
Kids: THIS IS THE MOST FUN WE’VE EVER HAD IN OUR WHOLE LIVES