Felt sad when I heard Taylor Swift is now with Tom Hiddleston.
Apparently, my subconscious thought I had a chance with Tom Hiddleston.
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I have standards. They might be low, but still…..
Is it wrong when your therapist invites other therapists to your session, wine is flowing, appetizers are served, and he says to you, begin?
Him: So tell me a little about yourself.
Me: But this was going so well…
My daughter complained we were out of snacks so I lifted the couch cushions.
Don’t open your heart to me. I’ll just put peanut butter in there.
Ratio should be pronounced like Daddio, which sounds like a really cool Rat.
Don’t tell me I’m not charitable. This weekend I gave away a lawn mower, a grill, and a full set of patio furniture.
My neighbor is PISSED.
It’s confusing how my kid is failing drama when he puts on award winning performances anytime he’s asked to do anything
When I see a guy sleeping on an unfolded cardboard box, I never know if he’s homeless or just tired from breakdancing.
[following girl off elevator] you cant hate snakes and then say u love dragons, because theyre actually extremely similar. in a lot of mytho
If I ran a swamp tour in Florida there’d be a lot of people that wouldn’t make it back to the boat launch.
If I had a million dollars for every time I looked at the negative side of things, I’d have way too many god damn taxes to pay.
4th Wiseman: I’ll just get him a gift card.
Classified ad:
Hunter seeks gatherer for nasty, brutish and short relationship. No weirdos.
School taught me fractions like if you’re on your third fifth of whiskey you haven’t even had a full whiskey yet
it’s so important we compare women to other women because in the end, as we all know, there can only be one woman
This bicyclist in front of me sure dresses like he could be pedaling faster.
Librarian: Can I help you?
Me: Yeah, I’m looking for a book about-
Librarian: Being psychic?
Me: No…
Librarian: One day that will work.
Veganism is responsible for The Fall.
Adam & Eve ate the fruit when they should have BBQ’d the snake.
*during a magnitude 1 earthquake*
Owner of the Etch-a-sketch museum: no no No NO!
[first date]
him: I’m sorry about the sushi but your bio said “real fish person”
me, a mermaid: can we just go
I just need a shovel and a good alibi.
The quickest way to get a creationist to shut up is threatening to throw them off the edge of the earth.
I know you’re not supposed to question doctors, but it’s weird how my dentist keeps insisting on checking my prostate.
I know things ordinary people don’t know because ordinary people don’t talk to squirrels.
People really don’t fall in wells like they used to.
My 6 yr old just asked if I’m a happy wife.. her cover is blown I think she might be working for the other side
*reads list of assassin targets*
“Eggs, milk…what the-”
[CUT TO] *wife at store looking desperately for North Korean nuclear physicist*
I used to care what my neighbours think but then I met them
No one is born racist. Racism is taught. By other races.