We should be able take jets and tanks and stuff whenever we want, we paid for them
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had a talk with my manager where i told him it’s hard to do my job when i’m left off of emails/meetings and he said “well when you’re left out just let me know” and then i stared at him until he went “but if you were left out, you wouldn’t know….”
Why is my kid asking me to play go fish like I didn’t birth her a twin and a brother for this exact reason?
The hunt for apples and oranges on tinder was the biggest disaster of my life. Mission failed: we’ll get em next time.
ROMEO:But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks?
ME:Well if you’d just sod off like I asked, I wouldn’t have to throw lamps at you.
Any other person cuts their thumb: “Expletive!”
Me, a Catholic person: “Expletive! To thee do we cry, poor banished children of Eve!”
If a puppy stabbed me in the face and stole my car, I’d still be like, “aww.”
OMG, shoot him with a crossbow one time and he never shuts up about it.
It wasn’t even fatal.
right before u die apple should send you a final screen time report like “you spent 38% of your life looking at your phone” and its the last thing u see before u close your eyes forever , and youre looking at the notification instead of your grandson
windmills are bad bc they blow god further away from the planet, making it harder for him to hear our prayers
A friend sent me this and now I can’t think of anything else
Me: can I have some more hair?
The universe: sure — assume eyebrows and ears are okay?
I’ve never hated a neighbour enough to get wind chimes.
[we arrive at the Pet Sematary]
Jud: we’ll rest here, but there’s a… a place further on, it’s got power
Me: how much further on
Jud: three miles
Me: *finger guns* no thank you
[I chuck my dead cat into the woods and go home]
Don’t go to the library; go to the truthbrary!
I was musing to someone about the irony of being a surgeon and having a phobia about touching raw meat (especially chicken). I don’t have a problem touching raw human though.
Anyway, thats how I learned people don’t like being referred to as raw human.
If you didn’t get called to a meeting with your 5-yr-old son’s principal because he was inviting girls to his “naked party,” you aren’t me.
Thankful public education taught us Algebra instead of how to do taxes. Because 2 things are certain:
1) Death
2) The Pythagorean Theorem
I’m not a shout it from the rooftops kind of person, but I’ll write it on a post-it and leave it lying around for people to see.
God *creates dinosaurs* these are perfect
Dinosaur: Are you dino-sure hahaha
God *creates asteroids*
killing the conversation in the discord by posting a picture of me eating an eggplant like an apple
I’m full of shit, opinions and liquor. If that’s not a recipe for a twitter addiction, I don’t know what is.
ME: I need to return this blender
WALMART EMPLOYEE: Why?
ME:(thinking about how i broke it trying to blend rocks to make sand)
“Its haunted”
My toddler is crying because she wanted 2 strawberries but I only gave her 2
I’ve been on twitter for almost 12 years, I remember when it all used to be farmland
*Texting*
HIM: Do you have any snacks?
ME: In my panty.
H: Lol, you misspelled “pantry.”
M: Nope.
When a crab dies does it become a ghost in the shell
[parade]
Dad: son, when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten, and the damned? Will you defeat them your demons and all the non-believers?
Me, 6 years old: do I have to answer now or
I love complimenting my parents for how they raised me because I’m really complimenting myself for how great I turned out.
This new flavor of Pringles is horrible. First of all, they aren’t even cut up. Secondly, they taste like tennis balls.
Cop: I have bad news. It’s your son. You need to come down to the mortuary
Mom: But…how?
Cop: Maybe get a cab?