“What’s the photo for again?”
“Just a freelance piece I’m writing”
“Ok great”
You Might Also Like
Never sell a golf club on Facebook to someone from East Kilbride!
You know what goes great with helping your kid with math homework?
Vodka
me: if there are any spirits here, pleasant yourself to us
ghost: bro did you just say pleasant instead of present?
me: oh no
2nd ghost: lmao this idiot said pleasant
3rd ghost: pleasant
4th ghost: pleasant
5th ghost: pleasant
just a heads-up any of you wander onto my property and say “hi! i’m from twitter!” i’m turning on the sprinklers
beyoncé communicating with the dead is what i would call a seyoncé.
The symmetry is uncanny.
Why can’t mirrors be nicer
Ordered a honey bee kit off Amazon. Can’t wait to tell my co-workers all the benefits of honey that I Googled right before telling them.
therapist: now, once again, stress balls are for …….
me: (sighs heavily)
stress balls are for squeezing, not throwing at people when I’m stressed
“I’m too important too attend the training on the new system. When I need to get in it you can walk me through it each time”
~Management
i don’t want to get up. i want to stay in bed until the day my grandson wins tickets to a chocolate factory
Turn off autocorrect?
Challinje aceptid.
Me: Don’t look at me that way. Everyone pees in the shower.
Her: Yes. Most people have the shower running.
M:
H: Please leave Home Depot.
What in Willy Wonka Hillbilly Hell is this??
There is a natural phenomenon going on in my house. It seems I’m the only one who sees the trash piling up. It’s quite astounding.
WATSON: we found one set of footprints in the driveway
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe]: so God was carrying the suspect
I try extra hard during sex because I never know if there’s a chameleon secretly watching me.
I wish the blonde girl with the pterodactyls would hurry up and kill everyone.
I’m rubber. You’re glue.
I don’t conduct low voltage electricity. You’re great for arts & crafts.
the only reason sharks haven’t built an advanced civilization yet is because they’ll die if they stop swimming. they simply have no time to scribe laws or lay bricks or invent pottery
Me: I could tell you, but I’d have to-
Him: Kill me? hahaha
Me: No, talk to you. And I don’t wanna do that.
Thank god my neighbors let their dogs out at 5am or I might actually sleep in on a Saturday.
I hate being woken up so if you find me sleeping, let me rest. If you can’t follow that simple rule, next time just hire another pilot.
The liquor store has hours of operation but I call them visiting hours.
DATING PROFILE: I’m looking for a partner in crime
FIRST DATE: Okay, I need you to kill the mayor
Judge: Guilty
Me: Sayyoudidwhat.
Judge: What did you say?
Me: Judge? Did you just reverse my sentence?
*Stage dives into cheering jury*
Apparently when a trainer asks you why you want to stay in shape and you answer “revenge” it will raise a couple eyebrows.
[a mass poisoning of football players]
detective 1: I think there was mercury in the Gatorade
detective 2: Johnson, this is no time for your stupid astrology mumbo-jumbo
ADVERT: Have you been involved in an accident at work…
*looks up from hospital bed*
ADVERT: …that wasn’t your fault…
ME: Oh.
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?