Remember when the internet didn’t exist and we kept all this stupidness in our heads?
Good times.
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Me: eugh! What have you done to this food?
Them: That’s called flavour
Me, a Brit: Well, I dont like it
Ben-Hur was actually called, Fast & The Furious: Jerusalem Drift, but the name didn’t catch on like they had hoped
Welcome to your 40s.
Add ‘gravity’ to your list of enemies.
If breaking a mirror brings 7 years of bad luck, does breaking a lightbulb bring 7 years of bad ideas?
Little kids will ask why you’re crying & when you tell them the reason, they say something like “ok can I go finish my drawing?” Yeah go ahead, Dexter
I can’t stop thinking about how a tanning bed really turns you into the human version of a gas station hot dog.
[First ever Snail Olympics that started 350 million years ago]
Millennial snail announcer: oh shit here they come
Turkey Homocide Detective 1: That’s the 73rd turkey head today.
THD2: What’s the perp doin’ with the bodies?
THD1: No idea. Hey, the farmer’s calling us over. Is he holding a bloody ax?
THD2: He found the murder weapon! We should wrap this case up quick! I bet it’s the duck.
Whenever I feel sorry for myself, I take my children to the grocery store. And then there’s like 40 people feeling sorry for me.
I heard if you click that little follow button, Twitter releases one of the captive birds it uses for its logo. Do the right thing.
How many games did you play already?😅
#chessmeme
On a dare, my son sprayed deodorant in his mouth. Now he speaks with an Axe scent.
Not all heroes wear capes…
me: my loofah completely fell apart in the shower
prison guard: those are ramen noodles
I can’t believe I used to talk to people.
[at a funeral]
*approaches the weeping widow and embraces her*
*whispers* “So you’re single now, right?
I don’t scram as often as I used to now it’s usually only if I’m in danger, or if the security guards at the fancy party realize my tuxedo is actually just a t-shirt
“The cat spilled water. Don’t worry, your coloring book’s fine” isn’t a thing my gf thought she’d ever say to a grown man, but here we are.
Had my arms full of groceries, struggled to get my front door unlocked, & the door caught the back of my shoe & pulled it right off. I stumbled & dropped my groceries. Shoe stayed stuck outside my door. Worst remake of Cinderella ever.
ME: I have a few openings today and can probably squeeze you in
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: haha nice
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: ugh nothing
The gorilla and I maintain eye contact, separated by only an inch of glass.
He scratches his head… I scratch mine.
He touches his chest… I touch mine.
He shits in his hand… my wife drags me away.
keep scrolling I’ve got nothing.
i hope that everyone who forgot to wish me a happy national boston terrier day yesterday spends eternity burning in hell
Boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go.
Me: Really? That’s not what these pics of you and your secretary said. They said I need a raise.
Caveman: “So what do you call it?”
Caveman2: “I call it burny light.”
Caveman: “that’s terrible. You’re fired from the naming committee.”
Caveman2 “wait… say that again…”
Boss: I’m going to have to fire you. It’s the way you misread EVERY situation somehow.
Me: *holding maracas* Wait, THAT’S why you asked me in here?!
My wife says I can’t be a Twitter Dom until I finish my chores.