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Sometimes you just need to dance naked in the kitchen. The manager at this Burger King seems to feel differently though.
absolutely not
DATING IN YOUR 20’S
“It’s not going to work out I don’t like the way he chews”
DATING IN YOUR 30’S
“It wasn’t even a felony and he was never convicted. Also living at home makes sense bc it allows him to be close to his mom & it’s walking distance to the Pizza Hut he works at”
My 3yo niece wants dead grapes.
Raisins, she wants raisins.
LOIS LANE: let’s watch the super bowl
CLARK KENT: ok *takes glasses off regular bowl*
Monkey: What is this amazing fruit
Other Monkey: they’re bananas
Monkey: I know I like them too but what are they called
Girls get so turned on when you take charge. Grab her hair and tell her she needs a shampoo with no harsh sulfates and a new lip stain.
You know what comes after “leg day”?
Can’t walk up or down stairs day
We’d like to sincerely apologize for booking the Karate Convention on the same day as the Rare Wooden Boards Fair
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh, sorry. 2 minutes down the road
tell em, edith-anne
Please keep my 6 year old in your prayers, his sister is copying him.
My son just told me everyone wishes they had a mother like me and I don’t know if I should hug him or ask him what the hell he did wrong.
Leaving a watermelon on someone’s doorstep in the middle of night is a pretty inexpensive way to occupy a portion of their mind forever.
Elderly relative: If you receive a friend request from me on Facebook, don’t accept it.
Me: No kidding.
[Job Interview]
HR : What do you consider your biggest weakness?
Me : (pulls out machete) *whispers under my breath “I can’t forgive people”
My mom remembers exactly what she was doing when Elvis died but can’t remember my name half the time, my birthday, or who my dad is.
Me (on a plane): oh dang my friends are going to flip when I send a pic of this airplane wing and the clouds
Overheard a lady say, well, my sister-in-law, she’s a bit of a mess… And from my table I wanted to yell Go on.
“Insomnia sure is frustrating” he said wide-awakely.
I’m sorry for dropping a glitter bomb in the baptismal pool at church tomorrow.
I get knocked down, but I get…ooooh look, a fruit snack
Jesus: My moms a virgin.
Olive Oil: Well my moms an extra virgin.
The fact that my nephew told his teacher his Mom is on parole.
She’s on patrol, serving in the National Guard.
Patrol.
Being with you is like listening to golf on the radio.
My husband’s favorite place to stand is right in front of whatever cabinet I need.
[first day as coast guard]
Boss: 7 people died on your watch today
Me [looking off into the distance]: yes but the coast is fine
You’re not an Asshole. That’s too much credit for you. You’re an Asshalf.
I’m haunted by unanswered questions, like after the clock struck one and the mouse ran down, what happened next