Scientists recently discovered T-Rex hunted in packs, confirming once again that we should all send that asteroid a thank you card.
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changed clouds to coulds and now the sky is full of possibilities
If getting a tan is wrong then I don’t wanna be white.
Imagine being The Sun and finding out there is an entire line of glasses devoted to thwarting your vibe
Wife: The kid was holding a sparkler.
Me: …I thought her arm was on fire.
Wife: You hosed her down for 9 minutes.
He just told me that the dishwasher is broke.
I wish he would:
1. Stop rubbing it in
And
2. Stop calling me that.
ever get so mad at your kids at walmart you grab a tennis racquet off the shelf and start spanking them with it before u realize u don’t have kids
How to end an interview:
1. Thank them for their time.
2. Shake their hand firmly.
3. Firmer.
4. Firmer yet.
5. BREAK HIS HAND YOU MUST WIN
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
A slice of pie in the Bahamas is $2.00, in Jamaica it’s $2.50.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
WIFE: I think he’s in a midlife crisis
“Why, did he buy a new car?”
WIFE: not yet
[I pull up on a sleigh pulled by roughly 1000 raccoons]
I’m glad Mr Peanut is dead. For years he flaunted his lavish lifestyle while billions of peanuts lived in dirt only to be ground into (admittedly tasty) peanut butter
Why do paintings of people centuries ago never show pimples? Ur telling me these people who drank shit water and took baths 2x a decade had clear skin?
Most guys propose with a diamond but if you’re really smart give her an onion ring that way if she says no you still have a snack.
Stop pissing me off or I’ll marry you
Gravity is just the earth being really clingy
I’m gonna get full size candy bars and hand them out to just one member of each group on Halloween to create division amongst the children
Haven’t heard much from the flat earthers recently. Maybe their membership has plateaued.
*carrying an armload of condoms to the CVS counter*
Excuse me, where are the fitting rooms?
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead Linda
Dear food bloggers, I am not interested in your journey toward chocolate pudding I JUST WANT THE GODDAMN RECIPE
My 5-year-old talks to me about our solar system like I have no idea it exists, “do you know about the sun? It’s a star.” Yeah I know. I was the one that told you about it.
things are looking up for me, a very eccentric russian guy and his wife who claim to be artists and live in the house they’re building by the lake just invited me to their very weird sounding housewarming party
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
Gave my seat to a blind man on the bus.
Lost my job as a bus driver.
I hate when ppl put group pics on tinder like how am I supposed to know which one’s Bret
My cat has Peta on speed dial in case the day should ever come when his pillows aren’t properly fluffed or his filtered water grows tepid.
Heard rumors that a coworker slept her way to a promotion. Damn, if the bosses only saw how much I sleep at my desk I’d own this place.
Looking for a plus one for my wedding.