I’d be that girl in the movies that can’t successfully hide from the killer because my stomach growls.
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No One:
My Family: Please check the menu of this restaurant we’re going to eat at in six months and let us know what you want.
That de-escalated quickly
screaming until I turn this migraine into an us-graine 😉
[company meeting]
Manager: $5000 in office supplies have gone missing. We are making some changes.
Me: [in paper clip chainmail, sweating]
I have got to start making popcorn before I login to Twitter to watch my shows
Daughter has prom tomorrow so I’ve been practicing my “Menacing Dad Face” all day….so far I’ve had a colleague offer me Tums.
One time I didn’t cut my grass for two months and my neighbor who was trying to sell his house got fed up and cut it for me so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you just ignore them
sometimes all it takes is a little subtle messaging to improve your pet’s behavior
Went into the kitchen and found my daughter and her boyfriend making popcorn …..
One. Kernel. At. A. Time.
Walked into my living room and found my 4 yr old watching tv and eating pizza
Me: bud, why are you eating pizza?
4: I was hungry
Me: well, yeah. I mean it’s 7am, why didn’t you grab a yogurt or something?
4: because there was pizza
I jack off in the shower using only L’Oréal conditioner. Why? Because I’m worth it.
*stares into wormhole*
Whoa man, cool.
*gets slapped by worm*
Pervert!
*worm wiggles away*
Sometimes I wonder if cannibals see hot tubs as broth for people soup.
pete davidson, pete davidfather, pete davidholyghost
if you believe in the butterfly effect, then you know that people who react slowly to green lights are responsible for everything.
do you swear to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth
“starting now?”
yes
“the judge looks like squints from the sandlot”
I used to wrap all of my teen brother’s Christmas gifts in Victoria’s Secret boxes, which was a great conversation starter when he had friends over.
1st Date
Me: Just warning you. I get freaky.
Her: Oh yeah? How freaky.?
Me:*thinking of using pizza rolls as a pizza topping* So freaky.
So glad I spent $50K on university instead of saving for retirement; I’ll be the most well-read indigent in the VIP area under the overpass.
I’ve found that Tupperware is a lot cheaper if you buy the ones that come filled with ice cream.
One pretty important part of being a dad is walking faster than the rest of your family through an airport.
Received dm of the day
No, I don’t want to experience a “typhoon” on your waterbed.
Whoever came up with ‘the world is our oyster’ must’ve really been into mucus.
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
[after tee ball game]
Wife: we brought snacks for the kids.Me: [w/ mouthful of food] we did?!
yeah but what if it 𝗶𝘀 your fault that you got the grocery cart with the bad wheel? what if maybe the cart just doesn’t like 𝘆𝗼𝘂
I be like “I gotta drink more water” then take one little sippy sip and then give the rest to my house plants
The 9 levels of midwestern anger
9. “jesus, mary and, joseph”
8. “Woah woah woah”
7. “Hold your horses”
6. “Jeez Louise”
5. “For Heaven’s sake””
4. “If I had a nickel for every time”
3. “Well, now wait a minute”
2. “For Pete’s sake”
1. “Listen here pal”
Californians complain when it rains then complain when there’s a drought. Cmon guys do we wanna be wet or not!!
God: i’m sorry but the answer is no.
Butterfly: please?
God: I can’t do it.
Butterfly: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but a Toastfly is just too ridiculous.
Butterfly: ok fine : (
Jellyfish: he wouldn’t make me a Peanutbutterfish either.