Just saw my kid throw the handsoap away with some left in the bottom because the straw didn’t reach the soap anymore. Um, you add water to that shit and keep going. This ain’t the Ritz.
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good cop: you do not have to talk to us
bad cop: [running away from a spider] i need backup
[carnival]
me: I’d like an elephant!
face painter: on your cheek or…?
me: *unbuttoning pants* my wife is going to be so surprised
Airports: Because who doesn’t want to spend $60 on two egg sandwiches and Lay’s Potato Chips.
DR DOG: *gives kid patient a sucker*
MOM: what do u say
KID: thanks mr dog
DD: kid I didnt go to med school for 56 years to be called Mr Dog
not to be a complainer but if dogs can have treats to clean their teeth why can’t we
“You deleted your search history. Good move. But you forgot about something…”
*cop gets all up in suspect’s face*
“Targeted. Banner. Ads.”
You don’t have a Twitter account. Twitter has a You account.
Me: [to my sister] Oh yeah? If I’m not mom’s favorite, then why am I the only one she ever asks to housesit when she takes everyone on vacation each summer?
Carl: Perfect weather tonight.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Butterflies taste with their feet.
Me: Fair enough.
ive modified my phone to deliver electric shocks each time one of you unfollows me. The pain will make me kinder, humbler, and more powerful
“Name him Mufasa, it means “king” in Manazoto. And uh, we’ll call HIM Scar. Because his face.”
Simba’s grandparents were the real villains.
I will never have to admit to a mistake at work when I can blame the last person who quit
going to the bottom of the ocean anyone want anything
therapist: would you say youre an optimist or pessimist?
me: im not sure
therapist: well when you look at your drink you brought in do you think it’s half full or empty?
me: did…did you drink half of my milkshake?
therapist: *wiping away milk moustache* i’ll put pessimist
A book doesn’t get jealous when you finish it and start another book.
These are troubling times, but as an incredibly drunk philosopher once said, “you can’t make lemonade without breaking a few eggs”
I’m exhausted. There was a local FB person who posted an angry rant about not liking people who use “fowl language” & you have NO idea how much self-discipline it took for me yesterday to NOT respond with a comment full of bird puns.
Wheel of Fortune contestants in Canada should get to buy more vowels.
Me: The new guy’s a lumberjack?
Boss: Yep
Me: He seems nice…
Boss: STOP
Me: I’ll bet he’s good at…
Boss: DONT
Me: random axe of kindness
I’ve carefully avoided a running injury all these years by never running.
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Never mind
Wife: Ooh, did you already brush your teeth?!
Me, hiding my 7th Mint Julep: Yesh.
Yes, Neil, everything sounds better when you have a great voice. That’s how sound works.
“With all due respect is the polite version of ‘listen here you little shit’”
give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day.
give a fish a man and it’s Jaws.
The 3yo insisted on helping me put all the laundry away. It’s only taken us 6 hours & 10 minutes & apparently pants go in the fridge now.
Welcome to parenthood. You never thought you’d want to fight a 5yo, but here we are.
As a child I thought that growing up I’d be challenged to rap battles way more often than has actually happened.
guys please don’t talk about the healthcare vote I’ve got it tivoed
Plucked an unruly wiry white hair from my head and then missed it instantly 😔