[1st date]
Him: Do you like magic?
Her: I LOVE MAGIC
Him: klatu barada nikto!
[Woman’s dead grandpa emerges from the ground]Her: *Screams*
Him: Oh, so you meant you like illusions.
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HER: my water broke
ME: [looking at my ice cream scoop on the ground] we all have our issues
a restaurant that rubs your shoulders while you eat mashed potatoes
Hello? This is your downstairs neighbor. I really hate to be a bother, but I am in bed trying to sleep. Could you please turn the stereo down?
It’s in the living room. You’ll find my door unlocked. Thank you.
Saw some turkeys and immediately thought of you.
I don’t understand how anyone could be a grave robber. How do you steal a six foot hole?
If there is no shredded cheese in my bra right now, I have failed
facebook is down so i am having to improvise
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
FAKE BREEDS I’VE TOLD PEOPLE MY DOG IS AT THE DOG PARK: Venetian Dabney, Brown Feta, Waxbeard, Oxnard Pike, Blue Hustler, High Presbyterian
[bank robbery]
OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
Damn it Dave, not you, go grab the money
Her: It’s so sweet of you to cook for me. What are you making?
Me: It’s a special family seafood dish named after my grandmother. It’s called ClamLydia.
Her: I forgot. I already ate.
“I WAS SUPPORTING LOCAL BUSINESSES!” I screamed my scale.
My wife handed me a paring
knife to slice some peaches.Apparently we don’t have
a peaching knife.
when i die i wanna come back as a gerbil because they’re so cuddly and are notoriously vindictive, grudge-holding creatures
How Am I Doing? I’ll Tell You How I’m Doing Volumes: 1-8
Me: What’s a que and why are you against it?
Antique dealer: …What?
I keep a table cloth napkin and goggles under my bed in case someone beaks in and want to have a pie eating contest.
I took a spin class and it went amazingly- well, that’s what they TOLD me to say.
waiting for the exact moment these birds fall asleep so i can scream profanities at them nonstop for a few hours
[almost at the moon]
Buzz: *explosive diarrhea* DID YOU PUT SOMETHING IN THE TANG, ARMSTRONG?
Neil: *steals speech out of his pocket* nope
Person: “I have a friend in a wheelchair, do you know him?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have a friend who’s stupid, do you know him?”
“of course i’ve had a girlfriend before you guys. i know what i’m doing!!” *types “what do girlfriends eat” into google*
if you are what you eat, my dog is my favourite pair of shoes
Infomercial Host: Who wants to fix their chronic acne problem?
Audience: *clapping*
Host: Sir, are you leaving?
Wile E. Coyote: *shuffling out on broken rocket skates* I misread the flyer
I let my toddler play with my phone today so now everything is in Spanish and I have 273 pictures of her left hand
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
*In Class* Please don’t call on me, please don’t call on me! *Teacher Says Your Name*
Wrote “no thank you” on my jury duty summons and sent it back so I think I’m in the clear
Topic: Excited about mustard!
MustardNewbie99: Hey guys! Just tried this french mustard and it really opened my eyes! Has anyone else tried it?
InTheCourtOfTheMustardKing
412,294 Posts
Registered 3/13/2002
[SUPER ADMIN – MANDATE OF HEAVEN]
No, we’ve never tried moutarde forte🙄
You: Cute kid. What’s his name?
Me: Kenwood.
You:
Me: I’m really into stereotypes.