[Chocolate Cake 101]
Sober: Use a fork
Stoned: Use your fingers
Drunk: Use your face
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[vet office]
Hi I am here to drop my cat off. Just a check-up.
*doctor walks out*
“Hi, I am Dr. Curiosity we-
I’ll take my cat elsewhere
“This is a terrible wine tasting event. ” – me at church.
I’m rearranging the kitchen which is devastating for my husband because now suddenly he remembers where everything used to be.
[wife walking in the door after work]
WIFE: I had just had the worst… why are our kids in the dog cage?
ME: a hello would be nice.
every raccoon you see is currently on parole
Joke’s on my neighbour, I actually like being kept locked in his shed.
Recycling bottles.
Pre Covid: These aren’t all mine, I had a party, honest
Covid: I didn’t have a party, I swear, I’m just an alcoholic
Million Dollar Idea: Teach pugs to DJ, create a new genre of music…pugstep.
Did you know when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles to frown but only 4 to extend your arm and punch them in the face.
Today, i tried to run with a mask on, but i couldn’t.
It reminded me of those times when i tried to run without a mask and still couldn’t.
[gun goes off]
[every runner pretends to be wounded, then laughs and starts the race]
ANNOUNCER: and the annual Dad 5k is underway
Going to sleep: It’s so cold in here, I’m totally wearing these socks to bed
Middle of the night: GET THESE DEVIL FOOT GLOVES OFF ME
Him: Take off your socks. They don’t belong in bed.
Me: My socks are off, though.
Him: I meant the sock puppets on your hands.
Right sock puppet: Well, you’re no fun.
Left sock puppet: *blows raspberries*
Good guy in movie shot 3 times: I must save my family
Me, kinda sore from trampoline sesh: sorry gramma can’t make it to your 85th bday
[overhears girl at work crying because her grandad & her dad died this month]
Me: not all men are like that
[on the phone]
Me: *whispers* I think my CW knows I’m high.
CW: You know you’re talking to a banana right?
Me: *points to donut case*
Her: How many would you like, ma’am?
Me: Yes.
me: have you seen my shoes?
dad: I saw them on your feet once
me: I’m serious can you be more specific
dad: hi serious, I’m more specific
I wrote ‘I loathe ‘ and ac finished it with ‘people’. I’m gonna marry my phone.
Never do anything you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics
SHEEP: okay you’re in charge of keeping the flock together
ME: what
SHEEP: you herd me
I cannot believe all of these people are out!
-Me when I’m out
My son was invited over 2 different friend’s houses for a sleepover and he picked the friend that has a whole drawer in the fridge dedicated to just cheese and I’m wondering how to get invited over for a sleepover
Me: Help someone is trying to gain entry to my home, send the police!
Her: Calm down, where are they now?
Me: Still ringing the doorbell
Never date a commercial actor cause after you guys break up and you just wanna kick back and watch the tube you have to keep seeing them driving a Kia Sorrento or being really excited about dish soap
72 Hour Deodorant is just another way to say “I haven’t bathed in 3 days”.
After all the tasty socks my washer has decided to have masks for dessert.
My kid’s latest drawing. Guys, should I be disturbed? I am disturbed.
Are they Milk Duds? Cuz I’m definitely not getting in your van for some stupid Milk Duds.
I’d be fine with a ghost living with me if each time a bloody message appeared it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR