According to this Ancestry DNA test, I’m 40% caveman. Thanks, Flintstones vitamins.
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me: *gets reincarnated into a worm* well at least I’ll finally be able to relax
flock of early birds: guess again
[Bedroom at midnight]
*scary noises*
Husband: is… is someone in here?
*demonic sounds from the closet*
Husband: honey, are you trying on those jeans again? I told you they don’t fit anymore
*sad demonic noises*
if I was a witch I’d put really petty spells on people who annoyed me like their bath water will never be quite hot enough, enjoy your slightly mediocre relaxation NOW, Jennifer
I don’t understand baby oil what are we greasin up all those babies for
A new survey shows that most Canadians aren’t looking to return to the office full-time. Just a thought, have you guys tried putting a bed in there?
[job interview]
“Tell me a weakness.”
I never finish what I start.
“Care to elaborate?”
*grabbing my stuff* Nah, I gotta get going.
It’s 10:25pm and one of my kids just came downstairs and asked what’s for dinner.
I guess I need to start doing head counts from now on.
Thoughts and prayers for this lady who tried to make her purse lighter by throwing out a couple of visiting cards.
Home is where the bag filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags is.
You should be tunashamed of yourself!
You can pretend you’re a ghost at pottery barn, there’s no laws against that
BULLY: lol as if you’ve got a date for prom
ME: uh yes, actually, I have
BULLY: Damn
ME *confidently smooths down shirt* It’s May 23rd. I’ll be going alone
Find someone who holds onto you as tightly as the twitter algorithm does that subject you clicked on once 6 months ago
It’s pretty wild how we used to lick each other to say hello
It seems like every time I consider arson, the price of gas goes up.
I never realized that by my age, I would be so well educated in kitchen back splashes
Me: I’m too full to eat anymore.
Food: Are you sure.
Me: No.
Woman came up to me in Target & whispered, “You have toilet paper hanging out of your shorts.”
I said, “Well don’t you have nerve. No one EVER bothers me about my tail at the WalMart.”
Currently the sexiest person in this empty field.
I really want another child, but the idea of starting over with another pregnancy/infant feels like Katniss heading back into the arena.
ALIEN: [1st day on Earth wearing my hollowed carcass as a disguise & trying to blend in] COFFEE AMIRITE
I believe extraterrestrials arrived on Earth via flying lavatories. I believe in scientoiletgy, my friends.
If you get drunk and message your ex, don’t worry. When you wake up, send bitcoin ads and pretend you were hacked.
My favorite part of cleaning, cooking, laundry, school lines, sports practices, games, sleep regression and back and forth to appointments with my kids is when someone says how lucky I am not to work
I had dreams. I wanted to be the heiress on the terrace. Instead I’m the grouch on the couch.
Did a little math tonight. Need to do 3,527 hours of cardio to get down to my ideal weight by summer, and not consume any calories.
my daughter hones her survival instincts by forgoing the provided bowl and spreading goldfish crackers all over the house to forage & store
Caught my kid forging my signature and I have to say, pretty good for a third grader
*rubs lamp*
*genie comes out*
You get 3 wishes. Just no wishing for more wishes.
“I wish for more genies.”
I SAID NO WI- oooh, you’re good.