I don’t care if he’s famous or not, what the Headless Horseman is doing is illegal
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ARUGULA is my favorite vegetable whose name sounds like a car horn from the 50’s.
My daughter wants to be something scary for Halloween this year so she’s going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
BILLY CORGAN: the world is a vampire
ME: wouldn’t it explode into flames as soon as the sun hit it then?
BILLY: shut up *runs off crying*
“I hope they bought enough beer so they won’t notice how much I’m drinking”
-My prayer as I pull into my parents driveway
Yo. Real shit. Just bcause you went and got your logo printed on some t-shirts, that does NOT mean you have a clothing company. U got shirts
If I had a time machine, I’d go back and make better mistakes.
There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who divide everybody into two kinds of people, and those who don’t.
ME REGULARLY: *uses the same 3 things at home*
ME PACKING FOR VACATION: I wonder if I’ll need 4 French horns or 5
Her: Oh, a handsome man like you must be used to compliments.
Me: Yes, but do go on…
Cosmetology school was a real letdown. Anyone wanna buy a spacesuit?
Has someone told the whales that they can’t sing for shit?
[boiling pot]
Dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…my trench coat?
HR: Try again.
Me: Because I’m naked under my trench coat?
[on Mars]
Curiosity Rover: *finds ancient cat remains* ohhh man I just know I’m gonna get blamed for this
My kid found my ice cream stash and now I have to eat it all tonight so I don’t have to share it tomorrow – parenting is tough and not for everyone
Time zones shouldn’t be based on geography, they should be based on age. For example, you may think it’s only 10:30, but for a 40yo, it’s actually two in the morning.
I hated Sex Ed at school. Or ‘Sexy Edward’, to give him his full name.
i texted random strangers trying to trick them into finishing my owl joke
I’m at a Metallica concert, and the woman beside me just used her phone to google “Metallica.”
If she’s your girlfriend why is she leaning over the side of the boat to touch me in a way she will never touch you?
-911 Whats the emergency?
My wife is suffocating me
-Literally or figuratively sir?
Well thats a stupid question. How would I be talking?
Took my kids’ car seats out to clean them. Found a whole box of Cheerios & 2 buckets of sand.
My 12yr old just handed me his proofs from picture day but before I could open the envelope he says “First, let me explain”
I don’t think people in real life will recognize me from my avi. Usually when they see me, I’m not wearing sunglasses or clothes.
this is 10/10 content no notes
I’m not trying to be racist but black people are darker than white people.
They don’t touch my pizza after it comes out of the oven?
So, wait. They used to touch my pizza?
the 3 types of Beach Boys songs are “look, a pretty lady!” “boats are cool” and “I will die alone”
*bursts into English convention*
GRAB ALL THE STUFF YOU CAME WITH THE BUILDING’S ON FIRE
*crickets*
Christ. THE STUFF WITH WHICH YOU CAME