I’ve got an aggressive turkey named Winston. While he was in the outside run, I went into the coop to fix the tray on his food dish. The wind blew the door shut and the latch is locked from the outside.
If you don’t hear from me again notify Stephen King of this novel idea.
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sweetie, something about you tonight is driving me wild
Apparently Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes about the Moon, and follow them up with “Ah, I guess you had to be there.”
I just want to be as happy as the couple described in the first five minutes of any Dateline episode.
If I ever have to have open heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
When people say they’re speechless I always hope they mean it but they usually keep talking
barista: how do u take your coffee
me, a twitter idiot: with my hand
I just bought ibuprofen from Costco so if anyone has any aches or pains, I can help 16,000 of you
Cyndi Lauper: “Girls just want to have fun.”
Me: “Some of us just want eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.”
HOT KRAFT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA CAN’T WAIT TO BE MELTED BETWEEN TWO SLICES OF BREAD!!!
If I had known the kind of people my classmates would grow up to be.
I would have beaten a lot more of them up.
I wonder if dogs get embarrassed when they have to stand that way and shit in front of everybody. I know I do.
*looks at phone to check the time
*watches TikTok videos for 4 hours
ME: thanks for “showing me the ropes” lol
SAILING INSTRUCTOR: you’re not even making a joke sailing is literally where that comes from
I got a locket as a present, but I haven’t changed the stock photos in it yet. Currently I have been walking around with a baby and a dog I don’t know around my neck.
I can finish The Times’ crossword in under five minutes but I struggle to eat the whole paper
[first day as a 911 operator]
me: nine hundred and eleven what is your emergency
Life plan:
1. Befriend shady people.
2. Witness a murder.
3. Enter witness protection & get new name.
4. So long student loans!
Me: my dad left to get cigarettes 20 years ago
My dad: [opening door] I was doing side quests
Yes, milk from cows tastes nice. But to the person that first found that out..you have issues bro
Next time I open up to somebody it will be an autopsy.
billionaire: we’re all in this together
everyone: you lost money too?
billionaire: haha no i am somehow richer
I really need someone to follow me around Target to say “No. No. Put that back. You don’t need that. You already have 4 of those at home.”
The kid hasn’t pooped in 3 days.
Do I just squeeze him from the other end like a tube of toothpaste?
me, a police sketch artist: is this him?
witness: did… did you glue macaroni on the paper?
Me: This is a weird looking but comfortable toilet!
Masseuse: Sir that’s the hole to put your face in, I – OH DEAR GOD!!
[astronaut test]
Before you begin, questions?
[hand raised]
“Is it true the moon is cheese?”
Are you that damn mouse again?
[mouse runs out]
indiana jones: time to explore ancient caves, fight nazis, and seek treasure
idaho jones: time to eat potatoes again
[meeting at the headquarters of literally any app]
good morning everyone, let’s get started. the first and only item on our agenda is, how do we make this app worse
The secret to a good marriage is that it’s all about give and take. Giving each other frequent back rubs and ordering lots of takeout
I wanna rock and roll for 20 minutes tops and party for as long as it takes to seem normal before leaving without saying goodbye to anyone