Stranger: Where did you get peanut butter scented sunscreen?
Me: Sunscreen?
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My 7yo keeps asking how old I am, so I’m sending him a cease and desist letter
15: *cleaning her glasses with the hem of her shirt* Ever wonder how nudists clean their glasses?
Me: No. *spends the rest of the night wondering how nudists clean their glasses*
Oh, I just remembered. You’re boring…. and my legs work!
If God is a woman then how do you explain:
1) Spiders
2) Shoes you can’t afford
3) Periods
4) Men
Baby, it takes two to tango
But only one to tequila.
birds are named like red cockaded woodpecker and black headed grosbeak and no one says shit about it
What did Harry Potter say when he was filling up his car?
Expensive Petroleum.
*golf pro picks up his ball and eats it*
*audience claps politely*
The soft snowflakes swirling in the night sky remind me of the time mom had too much gin and threw a roast duck at dad for taking her youth.
[9pm on a Saturday night]
Apple Watch: You can still do it! Just take a brisk 20 minute walk to close your exercise ring.
Me: You know I can “forget” to charge you anytime I choose, right?
date: “your chances of dying are lower on a roller coaster than a horse”
me: “no way”
date: “true story”
me: “i’ve never even seen a horse on a roller coaster”
I was 36 before I figured out most of my dad’s advice to me was just quotes from Burt Reynolds movies.
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
Just a reminder your kids will be left to clean out your belongings when you die and will find ‘the bedroom drawer’.
“You never forget how to ride a bike” sounds like a dare to me.
Jackie Chan turns 65 today and he’s still able to beat the living shit out of all us with a ladder
(telling a ghost story)
You know those knocking noises you hear at night? That’s adulthood coming for you!*all the adults start screaming*
I have made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I’ve never made a bad sandwich. From now on I will make no more decisions only sandwiches.
To sell their vehicles one company is featuring a heart felt country ballad, “I’ve got a heart like a truck.” So, if you live in the suburbs do you have a heart like a four door sedan?
I jump out in front of you and open my trenchcoat, but I’m fully clothed. I start showing you the kittens I keep in the pockets. Are they wearing their own tiny raincoats? Heck yeah they are
Me : Sorry Boss, I’m late as I had to drop my girlfriend at her college.
Boss : If you are late again you are fired.
Me : Fine, YOU can drop your daughter at college from tomorrow.
What if life on Earth is just a video game for gods, and my guy has the crappy controller?
Well thank you auto correct for changing “I wish you were here” to “I wish you were her”. I didn’t wanna have sex anyways.
My wife started clipping coupons to help me save money.
She keeps them in the side pocket of her $800 purse.
Movie idea: Family moves into haunted house; ghosts appear; family too busy staring at phones to notice; ghosts leave in disgust.
If you don’t win at least 3 made up arguments in the shower, are you even clean?
.. do you even science?
if by “picking up hotties at the club” you mean going to costco for rotisserie chicken then yeah i am
One beautiful tradition in my mother’s culture is that if someone is sick,
the neighbours won’t hesitate to bring over food and help with errands,
but I can’t help but wonder when they will start getting suspicious over the fact that we’ve had the flu for 7 months now…