me: i can’t believe you cheated on me
him: phew! I was worried you’d believe it
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(Cereal Mascot Support Meeting)
TRIX BUNNY: I don’t understand why I can’t have any of the cereal.
LUCKY CHARMS LEPRECHAUN: I don’t understand why these kids keep stealing mine.
FREDDY KREUGER: I think I’ve wandered into the wrong group, but have any of you thought about murder?
Rarely does an interaction with someone end with me thinking “I guess I was wrong about people.”
Guy Who Invented the Jet Engine: this will revolutionize the travel industry
Guy Who Really Hates Geese: yeah that too
We think whale songs are beautiful, but that’s just how they communicate. Imagine giving someone directions to the gas station and some white woman records and cries to it.
My milkshake brought a colony of extremely aggressive fire ants to my yard. 🙁
All food is good if you spell it wrong
BILLY CORGAN: the world is a vampire
ME: wouldn’t it explode into flames as soon as the sun hit it then?
BILLY: shut up *runs off crying*
Shit, I just wasted a good corn dog, by eating It with no guys around.
I never met a strawberry I didn’t like.
Just saw my kid throw the handsoap away with some left in the bottom because the straw didn’t reach the soap anymore. Um, you add water to that shit and keep going. This ain’t the Ritz.
I hated Sex Ed at school. Or ‘Sexy Edward’, to give him his full name.
I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.
I could totally identify with REM if the song had been called “Losing my Shit” instead
“How can I help you?
Hi I’d like a root canal
“Are you a patient here?”
No
“Who referred you to us?”
No one
“Ok then why-”
I have a Groupon
Boss: Instead of raises, we’re having a team pizza party!
Me: I live in a storage shed. My bed is a wheelbarrow, and I have to share it with a raccoon.
Boss: It’s got extra pepperoni!
My 6yo ate his dinner but apparently that wasn’t enough food because he said “I’m hungry” and I said “I’m daddy” which really wasn’t the answer he was looking for.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Wife : The neighbours are banging on our front door again.
Me : Why can’t they do it in a bed, like normal people?
Sorry I’m late, there was a dad yelling at his teenage son for buying $90 jeans and I had to hear every word of it.
the true test of a child is not how he treats his friends, but how he treats Minecraft villagers
Someone is at work raving about how good her tofu meatloaf was that she served for dinner.
I’ma tell you now, you serve me tofu anything, and I will consider it an at of war.
HOT LOCAL SINGLES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOUR CREDIT CARD NUMBER.
The Sun’s probably Asian.
A moth is just a butterfly with glasses and its hair up.
Rewatched Nightmare on Elm Street and was reminded that when I was 8 I was so terrified of Freddy, Jason and Chucky that at night I would pray to them (not God) that if they spared me I’d become their Renfield and offered up my mean bus driver in exchange. We all did this, right?
Why does my back always hurt?” I say while never sitting upright in a chair.
Gentle reminder to send that good morning text so she doesn’t have to draw on her angry eyebrows.
The automatic toilet flushed while I was still peeing.
Apparently my superpower is being invisible.
When I hear my kids try to insult each other with “yo momma” jokes, I end up yelling how I’m not fat or stupid.
Leave ‘em wanting more. That’s what I always