I tried to let the wine breathe but it needed mouth to mouth.
So who’s the hero now?
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It turns out condoms aren’t 100% effective, unless you actually take them out of your wallet…
I try to often think “human meat is gristly” in case hungry aliens are reading my thoughts
Girl Scouts cookies went from $5 to $6 this year and I refuse to
ok I’ll buy 10 boxes
Dear Abby,
My pastor insists that being gay is wrong, yet he ends all his letters with the words “In Him”
Help!
Perplexed in Poughkeepsie
I can’t get enough of these Labor Day Sales, you guys! I bought 25 mattresses!
This is why I don’t delete Facebook
I was trying to get a quarter size spider off of the ceiling and it fell INTO MY CLEAVAGE! After screaming my head off, jumping around and shaking my top like a Polaroid picture it fell out. I’m writing this from inside a dumpster I’ve set on fire. Farewell.
[work phone rings]
Customer: I realize ur closing but I just have a quick question
“Good, because it’s 4:59 and I-”
Now, it all started back in ’82 when I had my knee replacement surgery
I need this dude and coffin dancers and I’m set!
Celebrity Parent: You guys were named after awards I won.
Emmy: That’s cool.
Oscar: Wow, interesting.
Sag: You know, you did win a Tony…
I just want everyone to know that when my mom was 24 she showed up to her Halloween work party dressed as Monica Lewinksy because she was sleeping with her boss.
me [sliding my therapist 20$]: so what’s my problem, doctor?
therapist [loudly]: you’re just too good at sex, unbelievably good
hot ikea salesman: ok firstly you can’t do this here, secondly what
My friend likes going out.Recently he went out of his mind.
what if wolves are onto something? maybe we’ll be happier if we scream at the moon every night
if you ever think that you’re having a bad day just remember, there once was a lady who lived in a shoe
I get my eyes from my Dad & the ability to find something wrong with almost anything from my Mom
Does anybody want a cat? Free to a good or average home
Therapist: So what happened in your last relationship?
I lost him to addiction.
Therapist: I’m so sorry. Drugs?
Yes please.
Laundry to do list;
□ whites
□ towels
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ darks
The writing is on the wall, or on my teen’s arm because I needed to write down a number and couldn’t find a piece of paper.
Me: Looks like someone got toad again, LOL
Snake: *bites me*
I tried to make a batch of rum balls. But now they’re just balls and i’m drunk.
The twelve days of Christmas be like:
Days 1-4: Birds
Day 5: FINALLY, A DECENT GIFT
Days 6-7: oh… more birds
Days 8-12: Slavery(?)
Is amazed how I go to bed with normal hair and wake up looking like a beat up version of medusa. Am I fighting crime in my sleep? Wtf.
the real reason howl kept his castle moving was tax evasion
Why do porn sites have a share to Google+ option? I don’t want my friends knowing I use Google+
Don’t just lay there… Move! Bounce! Do something!!
~ me, pleading with my hair
Mary on Facebook says this generation is way to reliant on technology…
She then sent me 7 Candy Crush invites
I am not mature enough for this many work emails to be going back and forth about an incoming hot load
This day in history. 1914. The first WWI trenches were dug if you don’t count the one my grandfather was already hiding from the officers in