A girl on the bus just batted her eyes at me, but I ducked and they flew out the window.
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there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
Auto correct changed “absence” to “absinthe” and now my kid’s school won’t let me be on the PTA.
I have unresolved anger issues with all the pistachio nuts I ever failed to open.
When I open the washing machine lid mid-cycle, I feel like I’ve entered a party where everybody suddenly stops dancing and stares at me.
You politely tap a jogger with your car one time, and suddenly you get labeled a hero.
Haiku is a cross
between poetry and math.
Satan’s handiwork.
I run from my car all the way to the front door of McDonald’s because fitness is a lifestyle
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
Pizza is an emotion right?
you can be anything when you grow up. For instance i am very tired
The doorbell rang this morning, and it took a few seconds to realize what that sound was.
Everyone on this website is always like, “Eat the rich,” but then Carol Baskin feeds her millionaire husband to a tiger and it’s a problem, hypocrites
4: Did you just shower?? Your hair looks so pretty!
Me: Awwww, thank y—
4: It looks like a bug
Me:
[sitting in the front seat of an UberPool while a couple makes out hardcore in the back]
[at a red light, the driver and i suddenly lock eyes]
me: do ya wanna…?
uber driver: no
This guy told me he spoke Swedish and then spoke Swedish and tbh I have no way of knowing if he was lying.
psa: don’t ruin the thanksgiving meal by bringing up politics. ruin the meal by telling your family you don’t know half of them half as well as you should like and like less than half of them half as well as they deserve then vanishing while they try to figure out what you meant
Thought I would never find true love until a beautiful woman stole my heart.
And my kidneys, and my corneas, and my lungs.
2015: This is our son, Aiden.
2016: This is our son, Lemonaiden.
The opposite of a vegan is a Texan
I don’t even have a calendar anymore, I just go to my guys group chat and write “Tuesdays am I right fellas” and if nobody says “you said it brother” then I know it’s not Tuesday
Me [proudly]: This is my son. He’s 10, a fine artist & great at math
Nurse: That’s a garbage can & your morphine drip is still attached
Staying with my parents, pt. 3:
[4 yo is following my dad around]
Her: Whatcha doin?
Dad: Grabbing things for errands
Her: Whatcha doin now?
Him: Going to the garage
Her: Where you goin now?
Him: WHAT ARE YOU THE KGB? YOU GONNA REPORT BACK TO MOTHER RUSSIA?! LEAVEMEALONE
WIFE: Did you buy eggs?
ME: Even better. I bought a goat.
W: How is that better?
M: *stares confusedly for a full minute* How is it not?
Okay, raise your hand if you put raisins in your oatmeal cookies.
Great. Now, make a fist with that hand & punch yourself in the face.
Three men are on a boat
They have four cigarettes but nothing to light them with.
So?
So they throw one cigarette overboard and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
Are you tired of having a great friendship?
Ruin it with Sex™
Born on February 29th of a leap year, I can’t legally drink till I’m 84.
if you play guitar in a band, always make sure to look like it hurts to play
Your password must contain a character still living in Game of Thrones
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happy friday