Hello, I’m a professor in a movie, I only reach the main point of my lecture right as class is ending. Then I yell at students about the reading / homework as they leave.
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My problem isn’t that I lose all my chapsticks. It’s just that I don’t remember which one I used the last time I had the flu.
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
Welcome back to school kids. Please form an orderly line.
If you don’t already have a highly contagious virus, one will be assigned to you.
Oh right, like you’ve never let your kids stay lost in a corn maze just a little longer.
PSA: wild animals do not know to look away from the eclipse. Bring all them inside during it. Birds, raccoons, fox..all of em
the way parents struggle with understanding remote work is funny.
me: *comes down to grab some water*
mum: is everything okay, did you take permission?
mil: are they happy with you?
me: 😂😂😂😂 I Dont know guys, leave me alone 😂
Everyone out here workin’ on their cores and I’m just tryna get as close as possible to the drive thru window so I don’t have to stretch.
Family zooms are just my kids trying to kill each other in a really small space while somewhere off screen my mum tells us about a friend we’ve never met who has a disease we’ve never heard of
[boarding a plane]
me: I’m nervous
steward: oh why?
me: *leans in for kiss*
Your case is very difficult to win. When I walk outside just follow me and run away
Me: “Don’t piss me off, I can rip a phone book in half.”
10yo: “A phone what?”
I ain’t never seen a alligator so happy to be getting a toothbrush bath 😭
My Scottish wife just channeled her inner Braveheart… We finally put the baby to bed, close the door, and she goes, “FREEEEEEEEDOM!!!” 🍷
“I’m constantly quoting myself. Like right now, for instance.”
I just said that.
I was at the emergency vet for 8 hours last night before it turned out you have to be a dog
My Fitbit isn’t accurate when I hold my kid’s hand or push a cart, so I put it on my ankle to get that sexy house arrest look
Amazing how a fight can break out at the grocery store over something as simple as knocking over someone’s cart and demanding they fight you
Why do seagulls live by the sea?
Because if they lived by the bay theyd be bagels.
Relationship Status:
My dog was just licking my ear.
I didn’t stop her.
Never play chess with a British person. Their queen never dies.
prisoner 1: what are you in for?
prisoner 2: murder
prisoner 3: arson
hamburglar: alright well it feels stupid now
Twerking is the crocs of dancing.
Husband: “Why do you ALWAYS have to be on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
ME: Is there a ghost in here?
{everything shakes, dishes shatter in kitchen, books fall off shelves}
Ouija Board: {slides to no}
ME: phew
Eating a takeout salad alone in your car can feel depressing, but not if you fully commit to the backstory that you’re a detective on a stakeout.
Me: Throw it back. It’s too small.
Him: Ma’am, this is your child.
Me: Fine. Use him as bait.
If my memory gets any worse I’ll be able to plan my own surprise party
Me: Life really can’t get worse than this, can it?
Life: LOL you’re stuck in a car wash now
[courtroom]
me: [under my breath] ᴵ ᵈᵒⁿ’ᵗ ᵈᵉˢᵉʳᵛᵉ ʲᵃⁱˡ ᵗⁱᵐᵉ
judge: pardon?
me: omg thank you
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going out and spending hours talking and drinking we can spend hours waiting for a toddler to eat a chicken tender.