Thanks, spell check, that’s what I meant: Edgar Allen Pie.
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Prepare for the zombie apocalypse?
No.
Just bite me and get it over with. I’m too lazy for this crap.
8 hrs sleep: So refreshed
6 hrs: Feeling fine
4 hrs: I will rip your head off for a minor transgression
2 hrs: Why is my boss a Minotaur
“I’m a real hipster.” He said, as his mustache fell off into his cold brew.
I hate to cancel plans, but in all honesty, when I made them earlier I was younger & full of hope.
I only have Facebook to keep track of where everyone I know is going to be, so I don’t show up there.
*into earpiece during date*
Ok now maintain eye contact
No not that kind of contact
Bro do not touch her eyes
Get your eye away from hers
I don’t want to house hunt, I only do it to keep house populations in check.
A Person Who Cares has informed me there’s a helium shortage, which I knew.
She said “it’s not just for balloons,” which I also knew.
She asked me if could even name three other uses for helium, which I did.
It was a tough day for A Person Who Cares.
A guy hands me a lit doobie at a party. I panic and pretend to play it like a tiny trumpet.
Cashier: Smile!
Me: Worry about your own face.
My house looks like I’m losing a game of Jumanji.
Being a mom in your 40s is putting a timer in your phone to remind yourself to be the tooth fairy.
My 5yo wrote the ABCs up and down his leg in permanent marker, it’s pretty much a kindergarten tattoo
I refuse to acknowledge the new year until the old one cleans up the mess it made.
due to personal reasons i have decided to make even less sense to people who will never get me
I just swallowed a Norton Anti-virus CD. I’m good now.
When people name their town Plainview, at least they’re honest enough to admit it’s not much to look at.
Don’t quote me on this, but I’m pretty sure the guy who invented ice fishing must’ve REALLY hated his wife.
Before you contemplate starting an argument with me just know I’ll be removing my pants and underwear for maximum effect.
We’re just started on a 6 hour drive and the boys simultaneously jinxed each other. They won’t talk until I say their names and they’re silently mouthing things at each other.
I just won the traveling with kids lottery.
This air is so toxic and unhealthy right now I think I want to date it
Over all these years, you’d think I’d remember how important the “L” in clock is…especially when asking mom if I can borrow dad’s.
Me: Please throw your trash away.
Child: I’m too tired!!
Same child 5 min later: [does nonstop super sprints at the park for 3 plus hours]
My dad is a legend at hide and seek. One time I needed mom’s help to find him. He was hiding at a motel with a strange lady.
My husband got me Alexa for Christmas, like I need another person in the house claiming they didn’t hear me.
Me: (to myself) what is wrong with you
Myself: (to me) oh like you don’t know
Me: pass me that cup
Kid: *gives me cup*
Me: I didn’t say simon says haha
[Later]
Me: PASS… MY… INHALER
Kid: not falling for that again
My 4yo just came into the living room, crying, “I don’t want Santa to see me when I poo.”
When Game of Thrones ended, many cast members found new roles and exciting opportunities awaiting them. Others weren’t nearly as fortunate.
Babe, you’re just perfect for me
Except that you’re married, have kids, live 8000 miles away and are probably an obese man