To myself: ” Try and look like you know what you’re talking about in front of the mechanic. You’re a smart woman, don’t play dumb or you’re gonna get ripped off”
Me at the mechanic: “Car vroom sounds tikatikatika. Tee hee” *hands over credit card
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The opening ceremony for our ribbon repair business was pretty confusing.
My 11yo has started saying “that’s what she said”. Please pray for me at this very difficult & hilarious time.
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
I’m not a good fit for the traditional job market because my greatest strengths are challenging authority, being self-righteous, and wanting to go home
Curiosity is on #Mars. Sure went a long way after killing the cat.
Clock: oh shit, I am
Me: looks like the clock’s a bit fast
I just got unfollowed by a woman that just started following me yesterday, so I guess I just had my first one night stand on twitter.
PROPHET DANIEL: Behold! the fourth beast had ten eyes and ten horns. Even the horns had eyes
KING BELSHAZZAR: do you even hear yourself Dan
Damn you, Autocorrect !
Why do you keep changing a word
into something that makes no sense ?You are the banner of my existence.
Went to work without a drop of makeup on… walked by a mirror and said good morning thinking that was someone else.
My goal was to pay off all my debt in 2022. I’ve already knocked down $9.17
MAKE THE ENTIRE DESK OUT OF MOUSE PAD STUFF
Christmas inflatables are like college kids, full of life at night and face down on the lawn in the morning.
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
Tsunamis are caused by dolphins breakdancing to celebrate passing another IQ test.
Sorry ISIS but we already have a religious state that nobody likes and is full of people that hate modern thinking: it’s called Kansas.
What’s the most ridiculous rule you’ve seen a HOA enforce? Mine was the neighbour who got told off for growing the wrong kind of lavender
Hi, it’s me, your housebound friend. Since I have years of experience at this, and you lot seem to be out of ideas already, I will be providing you with daily suggestions of ways in which to entertain yourselves at home. Ready?
March 16th: Teach the cat a conjuring spell.
fun prank: go observe the newborns at the hospital & if someone asks which is yours say “I haven’t decided yet” while sobbing uncontrollably
work smarter, not harder
Cobra & Mongoose. He’s a cobra… she’s a mongoose. They say opposites attract but can two unlikely partners find love? No. Oh jeeezus, don’t look.
Juliet: you know it’s true love, when you finish each other’s-
Romeo: LIFE
Juliet: [sighs all annoyed] like why do you say shit like that?
someone reached out to my manager not too long ago, asking to confirm a rumor that jason momoa and i were dating. my manager said “absolutely not” hahahha i was like damn! at least meet me half way and just say we did “over the clothes stuff”
Genie: you have 17 wishes
Me: isn’t it normally 3??
Genie: yeah but *vaguely gestures to me* lot of issues here.
It’s about time you stopped being a bystander and became a passerby.
Release that sexual frustration, get a burger.
Taking bets on how long my kid will proudly trip over the pillowcase she’s wearing because pants weren’t “fluffy enough” this morning
My nudes are like fruitcake. Nobody likes them but I send them anyway.
My boyfriend is not like other guys. He wants to date me
imagine being born on january 1st, you gotta wait a whole year just for it to be your birthday lol