Rather than waste money on charity for the homeless, let’s invest in splicing their genes with snails so they always have their own shelter.
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Get your kids Christmas pajamas so they’ll have something comfortable to fight in.
Some of you should be ashamed of yourselves. You know who you are. I probably should be too, but this isn’t about me.
Me: I don’t like ice in my whiskey
Him: that’s neat
Me: yeah, it’s pretty cool
*Takes your face in my hands*
*Looks deep into your eyes*
*Whispers “You make me want to spend the rest of my life avoiding you” *
Kids will keep you humble. If not by their words, then by the picture they drew of you.
My husband asked if I wanted to go on a hot air balloon ride but there’s just something about a flame & a wicker basket that makes me want to say no.
Inside of you are two wolves. Inside of me are twenty one insane weasels. We are not the same
I have absolutely no problem following the juice diet for 3 days. You can fit a pizza in the juicer right?
My husband didn’t help change the sheets so I ate two hard-boiled eggs before bed. Check. Mate.
I went from being mama, mommy, mom, brotato chip, bruh, to now “mother”. So formal all of a sudden.
Not to get too technical, but chemistry says alcohol IS a solution. So I win.
person sitting next to me on a plane: [nervously] how often do planes crash
me: usually once
Anchor:Actress Zooey Dechanel has murdered an entire town
Co-Anchor:Lol who murders a whole town
A:So quirky
C:Haha America’s sweetheart
Have kids so they can wake you at 2 a.m. yelling with what you think is a nightmare and your adrenaline spikes as you rush to their room worried and ready to console them but instead find out they’re just complaining that “it’s too boring in here”
I am a fool everyday I don’t need a holiday for it
TEACHER: do you know what estimate means
STUDENT: not exactly
TEACHER: yes you are right
STUDENT: about what
TEACHER: also correct
STUDENT: …i guess
TEACHER: wow you really know your stuff
Pro Tip: If you stand outside a restaurant wearing a red jacket, people will literally just give you their car.
you: ant-man
me, an intellectual: uncle
Eddie Murphy at the premiere of Purple Rain, 1984.
China are probably making all the medals anyway.
a store that sells jeans and khakis should be called a pantry
bank robber: ok listen up this is a robbery, everybody be cool [to me] take off those sunglasses
me: first of all, i can’t do both
A small part of me is filled with self-loathing for how much pizza I can eat in one sitting. The rest of me is filled with pizza.
learn to swear in every language by watching the world cup at your local bar
My brother called to tell me specifically that his Zoom party really took off after he told everyone the story of the one time I took a chance & overcame my shyness & went to buy a guy at a club a drink at but it turned out the guy was a mannequin & part of the décor.
Who called it emotional baggage and not griefcase
Him: *Head in hands*
Her: What’s happened?
Him: Well- I…I… I found this head
Me, sophisticated:
*tastes wine* Mmm, is this a red?