Thought I saw a brownie walk by but it was just my dog. Other than that, diet is going well.
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Loan Officer: Denied
Me: maybe this will change your mind
*climbs on his desk & performs a perfect rendition of Take a Chance on Me, bank patrons are clapping & singing along*
Me: *catching my breath* well??
Loan Officer: ABBAsolutely not
me *sneezes*
cw: Bless you
me *sneezes*
cw: Allergies?
[flashback to me snorting pepper because my kid dared me to]
me: Yeah, I guess so
Me: Oh this is a cute selfie!
Brain: Look again
Me: No, you’re right I’m a monster
Brain: As you were
Me: Yes ma’am
I’m closing my pizza parlor. The Board of Health revoked my slicense.
Licked a frog once.
He didn’t turn into a prince but he did turn into an ambulance ride.
Painting up my car like an orca and running limousines off the road
Apparently losing my mind was not the answer they expected when they asked what my plans for the weekend are
Feels like the fourth month in January
Saw a sticker that said “my son was an honor student”. I almost got sad, but then I thought maybe he’s not dead, maybe he’s just stupid now
If I’ve already used “For sure”, “Right?”, “No kidding” and “Seriously”, your story has gone on too long. I am out of responses.
My mother is the strongest woman I know.
You should see how far she could throw a shoe.
I hate when people say “next time you’re in my neck of the woods”
omg this isn’t the prairie Laura, you live across from a Starbucks
Me: Dad, how did you guys manage without WhatsApp and SMS ??
Dad: We used to keep useless information to ourselves.
Being in your 30s is kinda like do I have Covid or is this just the way my body feels now
Cashier: Did you find everything you needed?
Me: Oh what I need you can’t find in stores, if you know what I mean.
C:
Me: Yes I’m good, thanks.
Just vacuumed my couch and found 16 bobby pins, 84 cents, 3 kinds of cereal, a spoon and a live hedgehog.
Dear diary,
Third date this week that went bad. The tablecloth trick is getting better though. Will try again on my date tomorrow night.
Me: *airbrushing a wolf howling at the moon among a starry night sky*
Detective: honestly just a chalk outline around the body is fine
Women are like bacon, they smell great, taste delicious and kill you slowly.
Men are like bacon because we’re pigs.
Kind of jealous of how my alarm can go back to sleep after I tap snooze.
80 years ago we would have all been institutionalized and I think that’s beautiful
Pro Tip: If you don’t have a mask, wearing a jock strap on your face tends to keep people at least 6 feet away from you.
Me: Gluten Morgen!
Wife: You made waffles, didn’t you?
Me: *in my breakfast lederhosen* Ja!
“We need a solid plan to defeat ISIS.”
Galaxy Note 7: I have an idea
*paying $40 to go into a haunted house*
finally a peaceful refuge to get away from how scary the world is right now
IAN: I broke my leg once
ME: I’ve never broken a bone, touch wood [touches wood]
THE UNIVERSE: THIS MAN WILL NEVER BREAK A BONE
i’m gonna write my will in cursive. if you want your inheritance, you’re gonna have to work for it
DOCTOR: you have leprosy
ME: *lmao*
Everyone becomes a robo-dancer with their hands when the motion sensor faucet isn’t working.
It’s actually a little puzzling that the Centaurs for Disease Control didn’t approve horse dewormer.