When arguing, I let the other person speak first, then help them see my point by starting with, “Now, what I’m about to say is correct”
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Person: “Why are you wheelchair bound?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “To even the playing field for everyone else.”
God: [returning from year-long sabbatical] So, how’s 2016 been? Did you cope OK?
Intern who was left in charge: [looks awkward] Yep. Fine.
There’s a school near my apartment, with a Pokémon gym in the recess yard. Every day, the same 4 or 5 kids take it. And every day after work, I swing by and CRUSH. THEIR. POKÉMON. Everyone wants to be Ash, Brock and Misty, but I am 100% these kids’ Giovanni.
“Dad, you called me my brother’s name.”
I’m sorry *30 second pause* little dude.
I’m sorry I pronounced your name wrong, because your mother ignored all laws of grammar in the English language
Tell me one musician who was born to ask permission to go online.
I’ll start: Kenny Loggins
I put construction worker experience on my resume because I’ve done build a bear several times.
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: Trying to get this piece of shit to play some music
Wife: Well 1st off, that’s my coffee thermos you moron…
“Just spread them open and shove your face in there.”
– How to put on glasses.
An apostrophe is just a comma
trying to move up in the world.
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m trying to spell Chrysanthemum
I let that asshole into traffic and he can’t even oh look he’s waving we’re friends now.
If I die before I wake, I pray the lord has ice cream cake.
My three security questions:
1. Name of your first shrink
2. Dosage of your favorite medication
3. Name of Dad’s drag queen persona
A group of us were talking about running a 5k; some are planning to power walk it, a few are going to jog at a slow pace and I thought I’m going to just skip the whole thing.
I’m not an alcoholic. I only go to the liquor store every day because they ask to see my ID & therefore must think I look young & pretty.
Uh oh. Mercury is in lemonade again.
You look like somebody ran an uncooked pizza through a washing machine
[first day in hell]
hostess: welcome to hell. please take a seat
waiter: *pouring wine* your steak will be out shortly, sir
me: wow this isn’t so bad
group of waiters approaching in distance: happpppy bir-
I can’t stop laughing at this I haven’t stopped laughing at this for the last 45 minutes
CONTRACTOR: *shows up to my house with a paintball gun*
ME: You’re gonna paint my den with that?!
CONTRACTOR: *chewing cigar* You want it done right or done fast?
ME: *Considers* … come in.
me: the opposite of “some” is both “all” and “none”, which are also opposites of each other but not opposites of “some”
the pentagon: who else have you talked to about this
Society: Just try to fit in.
Me:
Widow: did he say anything before he passed?
Me: *tearing up* he just said “tell Sheila i love her”
Widow: who the hell is Sheila?
Brooks Brothers just filed for bankruptcy, so now I might never be able to use this $50 gift card on one sock.
Burned my finger on hot cheese, then immediately burned my mouth with the same hot cheese, if you’re looking for someone with a lizard brain
This LSD may be taking a turn, but I think this pony rabbit is a piece of shit insurance salesman.
I’ve been putting a scoop of sherbet on my neighbor Leslie’s car, every morning for six years. Today he shot me with an arrow.
[speed dating]
Him: have you ever been married?
Me: just once… we had a beautiful ceremony in my parents yard with all my Barbie dolls in attendance but an hour later he went back to live with his mom
Him: lol aww you were 5?
Me: don’t be ridiculous *sips drink* I was 30
I cross my legs because I’m a lady and classy and I really need to pee.