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friend: wish you were here!
me, abruptly stopping whatever I’m doing and captaining a speedboat approaching your house: oh really
Everybody always says say “No!” to drugs, but I’m thinking that if you’re talking to drugs, it’s too late
Cop: Freeze!
Suspect: Try and catch me! *dives into Olive Garden’s bottomless pasta bowl*
Rookie: We gotta go after him!
Cop: No. He’s gone.
#TakeMyAdvice Don’t let Mom trim your hair.
[pulling sword out of stone] now I am the rightful king of all England [sword keeps coming out] what the hell [colored handkerchiefs fly from the stone] oh no it’s as I’ve feared [clowns around me take a knee]
[1692 Salem]
“BURN THE WITCH”U HAVE A CROOKED NOSE, WITCH
“No, Frank, at the stake”
[quickly lighting torch]
Right, I knew that.
My 3yo asked me if she could shave the window and it took me a couple minutes to figure out that she wanted to use the squeegee.
I never learned to swim because I didn’t think it would ever be more than an hour since I last ate
If I had to be a dominatrix (not appealing to me) I’d just be like, “Go stand in the corner. Do it!!” then play on my phone for the rest of the session.
Level of high: 7/10
“He was the most alive of cats, he was the most dead of cats.”
– first line of Schrödinger’s “A Tale of Two Kitties”
Note to self:
Used VHS tapes do not make good emergency gifts, always go with stuff from the freezer.
TEACHER: can anybody tell me the answer to this problem
ME: *raising hand confidently* no
Currently being yelled at by my sour patch 5yo daughter for “not playing Barbies right” bc I decided to make mine a 9-year-old girl from Brooklyn who sounds like she has smoker’s lung and lives above a pizzeria.
*goes to Walmart*
*goes to Target*
*flies across world*
*takes train*
*rides in car*
*hikes highest mountain*
*gets to Guru*
Me: Where do I find the 3rd item on this school supply list?
Millennials are so spoilt with their smartphones & tablets. All we had at their age was the ability to buy property in Central London.
Bruce Wayne: hey, how would you like to take a ride in my batmobi—I mean…brucemobile?
Date: uhh
Bruce: my regular normal carmobile
*raises the last donut to the sky like Simba*
I am a tiny man: when my son was born, the doctor handed me to him
Me: I absolutely cannot take a cop in shorts seriously.
Him: Sorry ma’am but I’m still going to have to ask you to come with me.
Me: Haha OK
I let that asshole into traffic and he can’t even oh look he’s waving we’re friends now.
Me: how about a sexy rendezvous?
Him: did you just pronounce it ren-dezz-vuss?
Me: we’re texting
Him: I heard it
Make librarians cry by calling it a “Book Museum” while taking pictures with your iPad.
Happy Lunch to those who celebrate!
This toilet won’t flush!!
Cop: “Sir, will you please step out of the phone booth”
When my 4 year old asked where babies come from my toddler immediately responded, “mail man.” Now I feel like I owe my husband a phone call and we need to cut back on our online shopping.
*throws coin in fountain*
stranger: can you not do that?
Me: just want my wish to come true
S: this is a drinking fountain
m: wish came true
@ConanOBrien My friend is an EMT and would do well at Trivia Mornings because…you guessed it…she is a first responder.
I’m glad that when you shoot, you shoot to kill … because shooting to merely wound seems kinda mean.
Victor Frankenstein being only 23 years old when he made the monster is crazy to me, he should have been at the club.
Hospital Administrator: And how will you be paying?
Me: *Has no insurance* Dearly.